July 19, 2007

Ass Fuck Strikes Again

Speaking of douchebags, in the last three months, the disaffected boys of 1524 have been terrorized by a Class-A douche who seems to go by the ever-witty (especially given our location) moniker of Ass Fuck. Now, as I am sure all of you are well aware, I am (rather inexplicably) drawn to the concept of quixotic vigilante justice (I suppose we are all products of our environment), but honestly, today was the first time I actually considered exercising my (sacred) Second Amendment right to bear arms—and I'm not talking about my biceps here.

Most of you are likely wondering what gives, I am sure. How could this hilarious individual named Ass Fuck push Rohit over the top where so many others have failed? Well, as many of you know (or saw in our first video), my roommate G-Unit's car got keyed a couple months back, resulting in nearly $5000 in damage. The witty individual wrote ass on the front hood, something resembling fuck on the back, and scratched the car along both the left and right side. The body shop went so far as to call the damage extensive. Now, discounting the (not entirely implausible) theory that G-Unit keyed his own car (his name is G-Unit, after all, and what's more gangsta than that?), we are left with the following options:

1. It was a missed attack on our meth-house—or possibly, crack-house (how does one tell the difference?)—next-door neighbors;
2. It was a random attack by some juvenile delinquents with a particularly well-developed sense of humor; or
3. It was a targeted attack upon 1524 (or specifically, G-Unit), perhaps because he's Asian (or more precisely, AZN).

None of these hypotheses really make sense. First of all, we live in the I.S., which for all intents and purposes, is a suburb, and thus, unlikely to be roamed by juvenile delinquents in the middle of the night, our neighbors notwithstanding. Second of all, it is pretty hard to mistake a brand-new Corolla for the total trash that our neighbors call vehicles, even if you are high as a kite. Finally, this is the Inner Sunset! It is nothing but Asian-Americans! If there was going to be a hate crime, it would have been against P-Diddy (of Good Phil Hunting fame), not the only Asian guy in the house. And seriously, who the fuck accomplishes a racial hate crime by writing Ass Fuck on a car?

In any case, as I was walking out of my house today, I noticed that the garage door was wide open, as was the front gate, and that the venerable Ass Fuck had struck again, this time in our building! Ass was keyed into the first floor wall, and two instances of fuck were keyed on the walls around our stairwell to the second story. Keying a car out on the street is one thing; keying our goddamn walls? Quite another.

It was at this moment that I realized the importance of owning a gun (for the rare occasions where my biceps are insufficient). As we speak, G-Unit and I are looking at our options with regards to firearms. We're thinking Uzis will work out nicely, but are also giving due consideration to sniper rifles (à la Shooter), Desert Eagles, AK-47s, and the always en vogue sawed-off shotgun. Either way, the next time Ass Fuck decides to come around, we will be ready for him (or her). Street justice! As Martin Lawrence might say, Shit just got real.