March 13, 2003

The Krispy Kreme Caper

Not to sound like a Hardy Boys novel, but I liked the sound of that title. Allow me to introduce myself: I'm Rohit, member of the graduating class of 2003, 2004, and 2005. That's right. Now, when I mention my having had senior standing since the summer of my freshman year, most people remark how cool that must be. I beg to differ. Having senior standing has brought nothing but pain and anguish to me since my first year.

For example, I have been denied admission to the rumored hot spot of hot girls, Psych 1, on numerous occasions due to the fact that I'm too old. When I tried to get into the class as a freshman, I was summarily denied because open spots for non-freshman had all been filled. That was really cute, considering it was my second semester at Berkeley. I then tried to get into Soc 1, another rumored hot class, only to be denied in a similar manner. So Spring of this year, I once again tried to get into Psych 1, with my Telebears appointment that was on the first day. I was once again openly rejected, because it said I was too old to take that class. Hey, that's cool—way to go assholes! Leave me to take classes with men, men, and more men, like EE 20, or mean, scary, ultra-competitive premed girls, like Chem 3B, instead of letting me into what engineers know to be the best class Cal has to offer (with the exception of Mass Comm 10, of course).

The day I was rejected from Psych 1 for the second time, not because I didn't meet the prerequisites but because my life just sucks that way, I swore I would have my revenge on the system that so unfairly denied me placement in this class. The opportunity for this revenge presented itself on Tuesday of this week, when I got the following email:

Class of '03 Seniors:
There is a special event for you THIS WEDNESDAY!

WHO: The Class of 2003 (bring your ID).
WHAT: Free Krispy Kreme donuts for seniors! Plus pictures with
Oski, a huge raffle, information on Senior Week and
Commencement, and an opportunity to contribute to your Senior
Class Gift.
WHEN: Wednesday, March 12. Drop by any time between 11am
and 3pm.
WHERE: Our big ol' tent on Sproul Plaza.
WHY: Because you're all seniors, and we thought it would be fun
to kick off your countdown to commencement with free Krispy
Kremes!
HOW: Show up, and bring your senior friends!

I finally knew how I would take revenge for the semesters of pain that were inflicted on me by the sadistic Office of the Registrar. I would beat the system. I would throw it all back in their faces! I would steal Krispy Kreme donuts from some poor graduate of the class of 2003 and taunt them! So I set off to Sproul at the appointed time, with my mission clear to me. The years of anguish and pain I had to endure taking math, computer science, and physics courses filled me with determination, suppressing any notion of a conscience that had managed to survive all these years.

I stormed past the raving lunatics at Sather Gate, and took my place in the long line of seniors waiting to get the reward for their four, five, or six years of effort at the University. As I stood in the line, I suddenly was overcome with a nagging voice in the back of my head, saying what I was doing was wrong. The Class of 2003 had done nothing to me. But at that very instance, I saw two relatively attractive girls, both carrying Psych 1 textbooks, and whatever voice that was there, perished.

Now my only goal was to complete this mission and exact my revenge. I lowered my head for fear of being recognized and revealed, and eventually my number came up. I showed the attendant my ID card as well as a copy of the e-mail that I had gotten, and was relieved when I was allowed to get my Krispy Kreme donut. Passing on the picture with Oski, for fear of being documented as having beat the system, I quickly walked away as fast as I could, all the while I was mentally rejoicing at my accomplishment.

I had finally made my senior standing work for me! I had finally gotten back at the system. Now the eleven AP classes I took in high school and the two summers at community college I spent toiling away had some meaning. I may never, ever, ever have a class with women in my life, but that one Krispy Kreme donut made everything better. It was like a soothing salve for my burning wounds of lower division. I had taken my revenge. I had won. It was awesome. The next moment, a bastard flier person bumped into me and tried to convert me (religiously) on the spot. My evanescent feeling of victory passed as quickly as it had occurred. And I returned to the realm of science and engineering once again.

But for a moment, however brief, I knew how it felt to be a humanities major—happy. So here's a big shout out to Telebears, the Office of the Registrar, the College of Engineering, the Psych Department, and of course, the graduating Class of 2003 (the innocent bystanders/collateral damage in my quest to defeat the aforementioned evildoers). Hope you guys all drown in your defeat, and never again destroy the hopes and dreams of an unwitting freshman, just looking for a semester of contentment in a college career composed of bitterness.