April 18, 2003

Man's Best Friend and Worst Enemy

All right. Here we go. As my trend has been for the last few posts, I've been alternating between "touchy-feely" bullshit about growing up and ranting about many things wrong with this world and especially Berkeley. As the poor souls with nothing better to do with there lives (aka "regular readers of rohit's rants") know, my last post was about growing up. Thus, it's time for a rant.

I went to the library yesterday to work on my paper and also to kill off a few physical chem problem sets. My paper for English is due on Tuesday. My pchem midterm is Monday. After that, I'm DONE! But that's all besides the point and you don't care. As you shouldn't. Anyway, I went to VLSB for a change of pace from the whole "Main Stacks" scene, which I've begun to find a bit passé. Not to mention VLSB has better chairs, better lights (that don't buzz!) and also in general has less assholes running amock to disturb you. Thursday night turned out to be a different story.

I was chilling in my cube thing, working on my paper, and minding my own business when I hear someone behind me. I turned around to see a dog, and initally I was like, GOD DAMN, if that doesn't just beat it all. But it turned out to be a guide dog, and that was cool. The lady with the dog sat directly behind me. Surprisingly, this was not the worst part of the evening. About a hour passed of work, for both me and the lady, and the dog, who was actually pretty cute (a golden retriever pup) just slept and didn't really make his presence known. On the otherhand, around 10pm, the ass wipes who entered, talking about doing monkeys in the ass DID make there presence known.

First of all, let me just say, that's freakin' disgusting. IF you do that kind of shit, then I don't have anything to say to you. JUST GET THE HELL AWAY FROM ME YOU FREAKS! Now, if you're gonna talk about it, I still think you're sick, sick bastards, and probably should be stabbed with blunt objects, but you have every right to be able to talk about it. JUST NOT IN LOUD VOICES IN THE LIBRARY!! I know it's the "bioscience library" and all, but I seriously doubt ANYONE had man on monkey action in mind when they made that library. Or even monkey on man action. Although they didn't mention the monkeys doing them in the ass, I'm sure it would have come up sooner or later.

Well, as my luck would have it, there were two open seats in my row, one on my left and one on my right. Cute. So the monkey rapists sit down on either side of me and begin to make sexual motions with pencils and hands to each other, behind me. You know, the kind you do when you're in fourth grade, and being the genius you are, just realized that a pencil is a pretty phallic object. Only, with these guys, the hands represented something very different than a vagina -- A MONKEY'S ASS!!! Oh my GOD! I was so furious with these idiots who had obviously escaped from a bad Pauly Shore movie or some shit. I don't know if they were on crack, but it wouldn't have surprised me. I looked around for something to stab them with, but as luck would have it, I was typing on my computer and didn't have a pencil out. I think the results might have been very different if I had been doing PChem at the time. I would probably be writing this from jail.

I turned and looked at the dog, and thought to myself, wow, this DOG is better behaved than these two buffoons! And I noticed on the dog's shirt, that it said "guide dog in training" -- he wasn't even a full blown guide dog yet and STILL he could sit in a quiet library, and not make a sound, whereas these two monkey-loving lame asses couldn't do the same. I guess the guide dog trainers take their job more seriously than did the parents of my fellow "college students." Considering I couldn't deal with the beastial sexual innuendo and I didn't have anything to stab the freaks with, I got up and went home, leaving my paper unfinished and my pchem sets undone. However, the entire night wasn't a complete waste. I did learn something important about life. If dogs are man's best friend, then I know who man's worst enemy is: it's the monkey raping morons of the world!! I sincerely hope the next monkey these freaks rape gives them a horrible, horrible STD. Now that would be justice!