May 19, 2003

Holla at a Playa

Ah yes. Here we go. Haven't had a bum story in a while. It was about time. Don't worry though. This one is actually pretty damn funny.

After studying for a few hours, I was headed to McDonalds today, to get some food. If you don't know where McDonalds is, it's right on the corner of Shattuck and University, which happens to be one of the more "bum-infested" areas around here. Get inside and the line is huge, as usual. The guy in front of me is really "thugged" out, if you know what I mean. I'm not talking poser thug here -- he probably was carrying a gun. Straight out of Berkeley High. Anyway, this guy is waiting in line and his two friends are sitting on the side, and they are all talking about how fine this one "bitch" is and how they are going to drink tonight. Then the guy in front of me asks his friends, "Hey, is rum liquor or alcohol?" That's really funny -- you're like 13 and you're drinking and to top it all off you don't even know what rum is and still you drink it? That's not even the right kind of question! All liquor is alcohol, dammit! I found that pretty amusing and almost laughed out loud.

The two girls behind me, both obviously Cal students, were also talking a lot. They were arguing about whether some new kids meal comes with a toy. I don't know if they were trying to be cute or funny or something, but it was just dumb, because they really wanted a happy meal toy. Come on people! You're in college! Were you deprived of shitty manufactured toys that break when you were little? What's wrong with you!? This was more annoying than amusing, but what happened next caused me to forget about my anger and just laugh.

This bum had walked into McDonalds. Let's just call him a real OG. By that, I mean a real old guy. Anyway, so he comes up to me, and starts up a conversation:

OG: Holla at a playa if you see one.
Me: What? Is that your way of asking me for money?
OG: Nah son. Holla at a playa if you see one. Money ain't a thang.
Me: What are you talking about?
OG: irritated, HOLLA!
Me: What does that mean anyway? Ja Rule said holla holla in a song, but that was back when I was in high school. It didn't make sense then, and it certainly doesn't make sense now.
OG: You can find me in da club.
Me: What club would that be? The one for old bums?
OG: HOLLA!
Me: You're FIFTY!
OG: If it's on, it's on!
Me: What the hell are you talking about?
OG: Why you gotta playa hate?
Me: Huh?
OG: One thing about Harlem World, we all got dough.
Me: Dude, Mase was awesome! Too bad he quit.
OG: There will be no tears in the end. I'm rolling through you're hood and now my heart is filled with anger.
Me: Wait, what hood?

At this point, my number in line came up, but I was quite amused by the walk through rap's memory lane. I'm not making this up. This is exactly what happened. I even said all that I wrote, more or less. This just goes to show that not all bums are bad -- crazy as hell, but not bad. Apparently the bum wasn't done talking with me though, because when I moved forward in line, he said:

OG: "Bitches ain't shit," pointing to the girls behind me arguing about the happy meal toys and then added, addressing only me, "Fuck y'all, all y'all," and then calmly walked out of the store.

I didn't know whether to be angry or laugh out loud. The funniest part was that he used y'all with ONLY me. It made no sense at all. The guy was seriously madder than a hatter! I guess the bum wasn't so nice after all. Maybe I should have given him some money or something. Wait, of course not! In any case, the episode was hell of a lot better than the ones at the laundromat ... maybe when I go to McDonalds again, I'll see him there. That would be really funny. Not to mention that I can now say I've met a celebrity. Forget Snoop being the godfather of rap. This bum was the GRANDFATHER of hiphop -- a true OG if you ask me.