August 18, 2003

More On The Acquired Tool Syndrome

As I posted a few days ago, I have recently come across a couple documents on Acquired Tool Syndrome that were produced as a joint effort by Ali Dalal and myself in late Fall 2002. Below is a letter we wrote introducing our efforts to the populace:

To all those who are interested,

This writing deals with the onset and pathology of a common condition which has lurked unchallenged for years. The condition is known as Acquired Tool Syndrome. As one who is well versed with slang terminology would know, a Tool is anyone who is compelled to be utilized by others (society included) at his own expense (personal and monetary) and is in general an unpleasant or otherwise uninteresting person to have contact with.

Thousands of these Tools walk the streets daily, and you yourself probably know one or, unwittingly of course, are one. This precisely is the goal of this paper, to describe the symptoms and the pathology of Acquired Tool Syndrome or ATS to make sure it can be sequestered from the general population. ATS, is a disease which targets males 14-50 years of age and causes them to: ostracize themselves from society, become exceedingly moody, lose all opinions of their own, pine incessantly, and to more or less become a one dimensional person. This behavior is usually on account of a serious relationship which they perceive is the cornerstone of their menial lives.

The relationship however is not the cause of ATS, but rather provides a rather rich media which nourishes Tool tendencies. As the name suggests, Tool Syndrome is acquired, therefore a Tool can only be created once in contact with another Tool. Preliminary studies have proven that purely casual contact can transmit the Syndrome, which may express itself in its host immediately or may lay dormant until environmental factors trigger the onset of the disease.

This is the truly devastating aspect of the disease, the fact that it can be transmitted through casual contact. When one thinks about it, everyone knows at least 2 to 3 or maybe even 4 Tools, all of whom can easily make you a Tool. Treatments for Acquired Tool Syndrome remain less than adequate, but when recognized in its nascent form, Human Tool Virus or HTV, it can be treated through a battery of changes in behavior, which can suppress the full blown form ATS.

So the next time you're in the mall and you see one of these Tools searching for fulfillment in a retail establishment, or in a music store paying for an album (who does that anymore?) of the Indie Rock Band that'll prove he's a real original make sure you let him know he needs help, and if you are that guy, then, my god save your money and sanity.