December 08, 2003

Solicitors Will Be Shot

To: All "Publicity" Chairpersons of Registered Student Groups
Ninth Layer of Hell
Eschelmann Hall
Berkeley, CA 94720

Rohit Nafday
Clandestine Anti-Solicitor Task Force

December 8, 2003

Dear Esteemed Colleagues:

My name is Rohit Nafday and I have just been appointed to an completely unofficial, completely secret, and completely unauthorized task force on anti-solicitation, and I found it only too appropriate to take the opportunity to introduce myself. Before even beginning, I would like to state that you, the recipients of this introductory letter, are truly exceptional people. The amount of progress you have made in your "publicity" campaigns, commonly perceived by many as brutally annoying solicitations, has not only had the desired effect of bringing out the most obnoxious people this school has to offer to a public setting like Sproul Plaza, but in the process (and I'm sure quite inadvertently on your parts) has also managed to degrade student morale even lower than it is and made many students hate someone more than the bums that this campus is renowned for. For this monumental achievement, you have my hearty congratulations.

Alas, my letter, however, is not congratulatory, but rather cautionary. I wish to remind you that you are the lowest form of scum this planet has to offer, ranking below even politicians, lawyers, and toe lint. You are at best a kidney stone in the ureter of this campus, and at worse, a force potent enough to make completely sane people turn into homicidal maniacs. Your presence is marginally tolerated during the regular year primarily because many Berkeley students are progressive thinking individuals who believe that student groups build "community," and are inclined to look past the excruciating annoyance of having fliers shoved in their faces as they walk down Sproul Plaza each day, juicy prey in the eyes of the carrion birds you like to call your "publicity committee." However, while your presence may well be tolerated, if not resignedly accepted, by a majority of students during the normal school year, the same does not hold true for Finals week, which brings me to the point of my memo.

It has come to the attention of the Task Force, through unnamed sources, that instead of curbing your irksome solicitation, you have in fact continued to openly advocate the general harassment of students all across campus - students that are all ready worn down by the stress of finals. This state of affairs is unacceptable and as such, I must order you to cease and desist all future solicitation, at least for the course of the next two weeks. This naturally means that if I'm studying at the library for many hours and go to get some food, I will not be harassed three times for various reasons before making it from Moffitt to the GBC. This means that you will not give me five full sheet pieces of paper advocating militant environmentalism, this means you will not invite me to your fanatical religious cult meetings where you plot the overthrow of the secular state, and most certainly, this means you will not attempt to give me any publication with the word "socialist" or "patriot" in it. Please be warned that if you chose to disregard this friendly warning, I will be forced to take the drastic measure of dropping out of school and making my life's mission to destroying all that you stand for. I assure you, I'm a very motivated person.

While I cannot justify your death mathematically, as Cody so aptly did for spammers - I am no mathematician - I can and will justify it on the basis of public health standards. You people are an environmental and mental hazard to the facility of thought on this campus equitable to an open sewage pipe running through the center of campus (no, not Strawberry Creek), and let me assure you that your death will not be lamented. In fact, your elimination will probably be a good thing for nearly every person on this campus with the exception of the members of the fringe groups you represent. Please save us the trouble of having to plot your death and go throw yourself in front of a bus. Not only will you be doing us all a favor, but perhaps you might even be awarded some community service - posthumously, of course.

As a concluding note, let me emphasize that I am using the word "solicitation" in a broad and general sense. If your interpretation of this word includes anything that happens behind closed doors and in front of streaming webcams, please rest assured in the fact that I have no vendetta against you whatsoever. As long as you don't bother me, I won't bother you. Thanks for your time and I look forward to never meeting any of you again in this lifetime.

Sincerely,
Rohit Nafday