December 11, 2003

Break-Up with Reality

Hi, Rohit. This is Sanity speaking. I have something to tell you: I'm leaving you. It's not you, it's me. I've just decided that I need to move on. Please don't think that this is your fault. It's not. I'm just not ready for this kind of commitment. Perhaps if we had found each other at another time, it might have worked out, but Fate has settled the matter. It just wasn't meant to be. I hope you understand. I really hope we can still remain friends. I just wanted to let you know that it was great while it lasted. Goodbye.

And just like that, she was gone. And gone with her, all her friends I had gotten to know intimately—Lucidity, Clarity, and Reason. In a heartbeat, my tumultuous two-decade-long relationship came to screeching halt this week, when a sinister and seductive force returned, once again bring her sensuous promise of good grades. Her name was Preparation, and I had been able to resist her Siren-like effervescence for five consecutive semesters before finally being consumed. Perhaps, what I did not realize was that a bit of my loyalty to Sanity died with each successfully rejection of temptation, until this semester, when my decrepit sense of determination could no longer stand strong in the face of baseless attraction. I allowed myself to be drawn in by the allure of her promises, thus placing my already rocky relationship with Sanity on an unsteady path to failure.

Starting last week, I started going over to her place all the time, sometimes spending hours upon hours in the fluorescent glow of wooden study carousels and rows upon rows of countless books. I became obsessed with her promise, readily doing anything she said and responding to her whimsical desires, even going as far as to not stop for meals or breaks. Her whispered sweet nothings begot an excitement in me paralleled perhaps only by the anticipation felt by an alcoholic smelling whiskey. I knew what I was doing was wrong. But any notion of guilt or conscience I may have felt was steadily eradicated by the magnificent delusions of academic success. I continued to return to her each morning, with unbridled enthusiasm and a vague notion of culpability. I was losing touch with Sanity—I could feel us growing apart. When some of her friends, such as Reason, began to argue with me, I was undaunted—Just one more reaction, just one more pathway, just one more enzyme. Sanity and I will work things out. We always have in the past.

Perhaps this was the final straw that broke the camel's back. Perhaps this break-up had been years in the making. Perhaps she could no longer tolerate my wandering eye and decided it it was time to move on. All I know for certain is that I've been a complete mess since she left early this week. I have lost all concept of spatial and temporal reality. For instance, I found myself this morning in the library, reading a novel (100 Years of Solitude, a great novel, but which didn't particularly help my state of mind), and then what comes after that remains hazy in my clouded, nearly empty mind. I found myself wandering outside, on campus, with no direction, no aim, and no notion of where I was going or what I was doing or why I was even where I was. I continued to meander on campus, making my way towards North Gate, abruptly turning and heading to Tolman Hall, before finding my way to Sproul and aimlessly walking in the general direction of Unit 3. What's worse is that I have no idea what time it is or what day it is or when my next final is or even where, and I'd be hard-pressed right now to even tell you my name.

The evanescent seductress left with the same abruptness with which she arrived, leaving in her place only her evil twin sister—Madness. While possessing the same seductive prowess of her sister, Madness brings no similar promise of success. Only the steady, unrelenting, and unequivocal temptation that no man having broken up with Sanity can resist. I have waged an internal war for days with this perilous force, but find myself losing, as demonstrated by today's events. So I decided to document this heartbreaking break-up with reality before it was too late and I had completely lost all faculty of thought. Please come back to me Sanity! I miss you!