October 24, 2004

Fighting the Future

Ever since this semester began, way back in August, I've been battling internally with apathy, confusion, and mental dissonance much more than I have ever in my life. Between my crazy class schedule, the bullshit associated with recruiting, and the constant and unending work, I've been hardpressed to even articulate the problem, let alone determine the cause. However, as we round the halfway point of the semester I think I've finally gotten a handle on what's causing this so-called funk.

Having talked to several people in similar positions as myself, I believe that we are all experiencing senioritis, but in a way that is both stronger and worse than what it was like in high school. The symptoms seem to fit: the lack of motivation, apathy, and complete disregard for academic responsibilities are all qualities associated with traditional senioritis. What's novel in this situation is the much more overpowering sense of confusion, uncertainty, and fear about the future that comes with getting ready to graduate from college as opposed to high school. In fact, the latter sentiments have been so extreme at times for me that I've been unable to really enjoy myself even when all the conditions have been right for unabated enjoyment. Despite my turning 21, partying almost week this semester, and having more invitations to do fun stuff than I can really even accept, I often still find myself exhausted, irritable, and waking up not wanting to do anything at all. I don't remember ever experiencing anything like this in high school, even in the most desperate and unbearable times towards the end of the year.

I think the difference between high school and college senioritis is best summarized as follows: when you're leaving high school, you have everything to look forward to - life with your parents has become stifling, high school has grown petty and boring, and college is purportedly the best time of your life. On the otherhand, leaving college is a much more unsettling venture. Although the promises of independence, money, and no homework may shine bright, so does the anxiety of finding the right job, the prospect of leaving behind close friends, and the depressing thought of waking up each morning, going to the same place, and doing the same thing, with no end in sight.

Working a CalSO program for incoming spring admits yesterday really brought these sentiments to the forefront. I fell back into this alternate reality, forgetting about all the things that had been taxing me and simply enjoying myself. It felt like it was summer again and I still had two years of college left to figure out what I'm going to do with my life. Obviously, the illusion expired as soon as I returned home, but it helped me finally pinpoint what the problem was. Unfortunately, it doesn't seem like this problem has any solution and it seems very likely that I will leave college even more undecided about what I want to do than when I entered. I guess only time will tell what ends up happening, and that's definitely a less than satisfactory response.