December 10, 2004

My Personal Savior

As you might imagine, I am someone who frequently gets accused of being cold, heartless, elitist, evil, and any number of other adjectives meaning essentially the same thing. I always wondered what it is about me that makes people immediately draw this conclusion, but I never worried about it too much. I mean, 99% of the opinions out there are worthless, anyway, right? However, a small, non-descript letter I received in my mailbox this evening made me stop and consider: exactly who is watching?

The address on the letter read 1320 Cedar Street, Berkeley, CA 94702. The neatly printed address from what appeared to be a ballpoint pen ruled out any commercial mailing that simply goes straight to the trash. Now, not only do I never receive any correspondence in the mail with the exception of bills, but there's no chance in hell that anyone I know in Berkeley would write me a letter, except perhaps to draw a rant about how writing letters is an anachronistic method of communication. And if you're one of those melodramatic morons who still sighs with nostalgia about how letters were so much more personal than email, all I got to say is, Welcome to the Digital Age, asshole! We're never going back! Anyway, enough about that; I could go on forever.

With no small degree of curiosity, I tore open the letter right there in my apartment complex lobby and unfolded the single sheet of awkwardly folded paper. The first paragraph read:

My name is Theresa Butler and I am a volunteer writing to individuals in your neighborhood. I am not a salesperson nor is my intention to get you to join anything. The purpose is to inform you of God's will for mankind and reassure you that you have a loving Creator. These truths are found in the Bible.

OH! Is that all? You just want to tell me that God has a will for mankind, which you supposedly know, and that I have a loving Creator? Well, gee Theresa, thanks. That's just what I wanted to know. Another nut out there has my name and has nothing better to do with her time but send me letters reassuring me that I have a loving Creator.

Normally, I would have simply trashed the letter, but it was addressed to me personally, so I thought I'd read at least two paragraphs. This is what the second paragraph said:

The 20^th century has been welcomed by many as a symbol of hope and change. Will it perhaps see the end of war, poverty, environmental pollution and disease? Many hope so, but consider the immense scope of just a few of the problems we face.

Hey, let me stop you right there dumbass. Tell me, who are these many who hope the 20^th century will see the end of war, poverty, environmental pollution and disease? Are they psychotic, schizophrenic, or just plain stupid? Last time I checked, the 20^th century ended nearly 5 years ago, and war, poverty, environmental pollution, and disease are still here. You're not doing a very good job of reassuring me right now - maybe I do have a loving Creator, but I certainly don't have intelligent neighbors.

The letter went on to list statistics about the aforementioned problems and then encouraged me further with this fine statement: You may ask yourself is there any hope for mankind? Well there is, but man lacks the ability to correct them. Awesome! So, we have a ton of problems, but we can't do anything about them? You know Theresa, I can't tell you how reassuring this letter is so far! Please, go on! Tell me what I need to do to bring about world peace!

That's right! You guessed it! Please open your Bible and read 2 Timothy 3: 1-5. It describes the personality traits that people would display during these 'critical times.' Ooops. One problem there Theresa. I'm not Christian you see and I don't have a Bible. But, assuming I get one and open up to 2 Timothy 3 and read lines 1-5, are these the personality traits people would have during these critical times or are they the ones people should have? Because, the way you wrote it doesn't make any sense.

But here's the best part. The letter closes with the following:

If you would like a personal visit, I can arrange for that at a time convenient for you. Or if you prefer, I can forward related literature to you. Please state your preference to the address given in this letter.

Wow! And I thought I was presumptuous, but this lady really takes the cake. She wants to come and visit me and talk about God? Seriously, are you kidding me? What if I was a murderer or a psycho or a freak? A better question: what if she is? Two words for you, lady: Hell no! Whoops! Is Hell a bad word? I'm sorry.

A word to all you out there who hope to be just as cold, heartless, elitist, and evil as me: watch out or pretty soon, you'll have your own personal savior!