March 27, 2005

The War on Bullshit

Although I've always had my reservations about the policy of preemption advocated by the U.S. government in recent years, I cannot completely dismiss it as devoid of any merit. How's that, you might ask? After all, not taking preemptive action was probably the reason we (as a world) made it through the Cold War, right? So how can you not denounce this policy? Easy. I've found an application for it: the War on Bullshit.

Hold up. Isn't bullshit a noun? Sure, but so are drugs and terror. Get with the program dumbass - we've been fighting wars on nouns for years now. Anyway, back to my point. So, what in the hell is this War on Bullshit? Let me give you a hint: it has to do with politics. No, I'm not talking about Congress, although I very well could be. Nope, think UC Berkeley politics. Yeah! That's right! The ASUC. An organization that excels in nothing but bullshit!

Still not getting it? Perhaps you've never lived through an April at UC Berkeley, or maybe you're just stupid. Let me spell it out. Each year around this time, things get a bit more dismal, a bit more painful, and a bit more frustrating. For the two or three weeks that ASUC elections last, you'll be approached by fake people with fake smiles desperately courting your votes. You'll be followed around by people with sticks and placards and harassed by lunatics with megaphones. People you don't know will make their way out of the woodwork and pretend to be your best friends in the vain hope you remember their names if and when you vote. Accidental emails advocating for candidates will be sent out and of course, the customary law suits will be filed attempting to disqualify candidates for all parties on the basis of esoteric legalities. Without a doubt, nothing will change, no progress will be made, and the cycle of supreme bullshit will start anew.

For years, I used to get up in arms around this time, as the ASUC made its useless self more visible, wondering where my mandatory student fees went and why the incompetence, ineptitude, and petty bickering continued unchecked. As a graduating senior, having lived through three years of utter harassment, I've long since given up pondering the questions that have no answer. All that remains is the sullen wisdom acquired only through harsh disappointment - my money that went to the ASUC will never be seen again. It was indubitably wasted ignobly and unceremoniously. I have six weeks left at UC Berkeley. All I want is to be left alone!

And that's where the policy of preemption comes in. Rather than wait until tomorrow when I first enter the mess on Sproul Plaza, I'm writing my annual rant on the ASUC preemptively, with a message I hope will be seen by any and all who hope to harass me in the coming weeks with nonsense about the ASUC:

To all ASUC assholes, past, present, and future:

I hate you. Not only do I hate you specifically for bothering me with your bullshit, but I also hate all that you stand for, your stupid organization, your fake personality, and your idiotic politics. I could not care less about your platform, what you plan to do (but won't really) if elected, or how much better qualified you are than your equally fake opponent. Nor do I care about how dedicated (a.k.a. foolish) you are to stay up nights and weekends chalking sidewalks, making signs, and writing campaign slogans. I have no pity for you, no sympathy, no mercy. I have nothing but contempt. You already waste my money; don't also waste my time.

Sincerely,
Rohit Nafday

That's it. I'm done. Hopefully this will be the last time the ASUC drags down my blog. The only thing that would make my policy of preemption better would be mace. See anyone remotely appearing ASUC-related and simply spray. No questions asked. No answers wanted.