August 09, 2005

Etiquette for the I-5

As anyone who has ever had the distinct displeasure of having to be in a car with me in traffic probably already knows, I hate senseless traffic. In fact, there are few things in this world that frustrate me more than having to sit in traffic, especially if it's not at at time when one would expect there to be excessive traffic. Driving to San Francisco from Orange County today, I was reminded of two things: first, there is a reason I hate Los Angeles, and second, someone should really invent an idiot-seeking missile.

Although I woke up at 5:15 AM this morning, jetlagged and exhausted from my return journey from Europe, I did not manage to leave the house until 6:30 AM, and thus got stuck in rush hour traffic in Los Angeles for almost two hours. Expecting clear sailing after escaping the 10/110 hell of downtown, I was surprised (and extremely angered) to continually encounter idiotic behavior all the way until I reached the 580, almost 5 hours later. These close encounters (of the third kind) with the dregs of DMV-authorized individuals led me to develop the following etiquette guidelines for driving on the I-5. Before presenting the guidelines, let me dispense with the caveats. The guidelines are only relevant for the I-5 between Valencia and the 580. I suppose they could be generalized further, but everyone knows there are no rules that will ever change the traffic in LA and attempting to do so would be totally futile. Further, there is never really a legitimate reason to travel on the I-5 past the 580, since that leads to Stockton and well, if you're traveling there ... my apologies.

Anyway, the guidelines are as follows, numbered, but in no particular order:

1. Driving less than 80 MPH in the left lane is not only obnoxious, but downright unacceptable. You know as well as I do that no one actually drives at the posted speed limit of 70 MPH, and if you are the one person who does, than you are by definition a slower moving vehicle and should keep right.
2. If you drive a truck, stop trying to pass other trucks! Honestly, will the speed increase from 60 MPH to 62 MPH really make any difference in the grand scheme of things? Clearly not! But when I have to slow from 85 MPH to 65 MPH for 10 minutes while you slowly pass, that definitely makes a huge difference.
3. A truck is a truck is a truck. All trucks are slow! Don't think you can drive in the left lane just because your truck is smaller than another one.
4. If a car is tailgating you, it's not because the driver thinks your hot and wants a better look. The most likely reason is that you are an imbecile and driving slow in the left lane, actively preventing others from driving at the speed they want.
5. If you are transporting produce that may shed (e.g., onions), have the foresight to cover your load so you don't create a shit-storm that blinds all who are behind you.
6. No day is a good day to shutdown one lane out of two on the I-5.
7. It is your responsibility as a driver of an automobile to actively prevent large trucks from cutting in front of you so they can pass other trucks (see #2).
8. RVs really serve no purpose other than to raise suspicions that you are a hick. RVs towed by large American trucks leave no doubts about this fact.
9. Four cylinder cars (including my own) should not be driving in the left lane of the freeway in the Grapevine.
10. Condescending religious and/or patriotic bumper stickers immediately identify problematic drivers. My personal favorites: No Jesus, No Peace. Know Jesus, Know Peace. or America is the best, Fuck all the rest.

As someone who has made the drive on the I-5 between Northern and Southern California too many times to count, I can assure you that if people were to follow the aforementioned guidelines, things would run much more smoothly and frustration levels would drop dramatically. Unfortunately, given my experience as well as the indisputable fact that most people are barely literate, I have no hopes of ever achieving the goals underlying these guidelines. Guess I should get cracking on that idiot-seeking missile, right? Anyone have any ideas?