August 11, 2005

Prozac for the People

Although summer time is usually a happy time for most people, I'm sure everyone goes through a slump despite the warm, sunny days and temperate evenings, for one reason or another. Perhaps that summer fling you were hoping for hasn't materialized, or maybe, that summer fling you just had worked a little bit too well, and now you need to tell your boyfriend/girlfriend who was abroad for the summer about it. Or maybe you're just someone who has a lot to be depressed about, regardless of the season. Regular readers of my site probably remember my post on the unusual antidepressant from last year, and hopefully find solace in it, but for all you unenlightened folks, I'm going take this opportunity to discuss another avenue for finding happiness and self-confidence in this dog-eat-dog world trying very hard to destroy both.

So what's the big secret, you ask? Well, going along the theme of idiotic online behavior, I realized that AIM profiles can be surprisingly anti-depressing, if you are buddies with the appropriate (I use that word loosely here) people. Granted, given that goddamn 1024 character limit, it won't provide the entertainment and boost in self-esteem that a full-fledged drama-ridden Live Journal or Xanga might, but still, it's a quick fix for those fleeting moments of doubt, despair, or dolor. Not a believer? Well, let me provide you with some examples; I am after all a scientist, or so says UC Berkeley.

First of all, I'd like to make it clear for those of you foolishly wondering that I am not in any way depressed. In fact, I'm quite the opposite, as is usually the case. But, like an unexpected compliment or well-deserved commendation, reading idiotic AIM profiles can make you feel just a little bit better about yourself, and honestly, what's wrong with a little egoism? Anyway, getting back to my example. So, I was reading the profile of this guy (why is that not surprising—goddamn tools!) who I barely know...

Not to interrupt my own story or anything, but at this point, you should be asking yourself two questions:

1. Why does he have the screen name of someone he barely knows?
2. Why would he check this person's profile?

Well, the answer to the first question defies understanding (i.e., I have no idea, don't question it dammit!) and the second question isn't even valid. You mean to say you don't check the profiles of everyone on your buddy list ever two seconds?

...excuse the interruption. Getting back to my story. So, I was checking the AIM profile of this person I don't know very well and lo and behold, he had recently broken up with his girlfriend. Apparently, not only had he just broken up, but he had in fact been dumped, and was now letting the whole world know the extent of his pathetic existence by complaining excessively (up to 1024 characters) about how that bitch blocked him on AIM and how he's going to get her back via a backup screen name and warn her to 100% (Oooh! Scary!). Wait! Here's the kicker: I met this guy at Berkeley, which serves as strong evidence that he is not 12, and thus, really should end his life. Seriously, though. What the hell is wrong with this guy, his ex-girlfriend, and all people like them?

AIM relationship drama? Are you serious? Did junior high never end for you? Do you go on dates on your computer too? How about sex? Does the little running yellow man get you off? To the ex-girlfriend, I'd say that you're probably right to dump this contemptible asshole, but unfortunately, it's more than likely that you are just as bad as him, considering you are resorting to one of the most idiotic, immature, and passive-aggressive techniques of dealing with personal issues by blocking someone on IM. To my buddy, no words can truly elucidate the extent of my contempt for you, your life, and all that you stand for, but I think it should suffice to say that were you not alive, the world would probably be a much better place for the rest of us, despite the lack of free Prozac.

I suppose you're now wondering how I could so blatantly write this entry about someone I know (and more importantly, who knows me and can find this site), but honestly, I don't really care. There are times for discretion and then there are times where people should know how truly deplorable they really are. And what is he really going to do? Warn me up to 100% and stop me from going online for a day? I won't lose sleep over that and now you don't have to lose sleep over anything either—just find that pre-teen-trapped-in-adult-body acquaintance like I have and you're all set. Prozac for the people!