February 20, 2006

Bumbling Tourists, Shortage of Accessories Plague Salt Lake City

Salt Lake City, UT - A bitter chill fell upon unsuspecting business travelers from near and far this evening, as thousands descended upon this bustling mountain capital over the holiday weekend to deficit spend their nonexistent home equity loan on ski lodges, lift tickets, and cheap beer.

A recent snowfall and the three-day weekend attracted thousands of families, skiers, snowboarders, and poseurs to Salt Lake City, creating a major shortage of hotel rooms, and surprisingly, cold-weather accessories such as gloves, scarves, and beanies. One business traveler, Rohit Nafday of San Francisco, CA, caught in a frenzy of small children stumbling around with oversized boots and snowboards twice their size, declared the situation an absolute mess.

He added, This is Salt Lake City, not Los Angeles! I shouldn't be bumped to another hotel just because these idiots overbooked! Send the bumbling tourists over there; I'm a Rewards member! Doesn't that count for anything these days?

Another businessman, who refused to be quoted by name for no legitimate reason whatsoever and looked suspiciously like Mr. Nafday, was more angered by the inexplicable shortage of gloves, beanies, and scarves in the greater Salt Lake City area. All I wanted were some gloves and a scarf, because I didn't bring them with me. I scoured Nordstrom, Banana Republic, and dozens of other stores, only to be brutally rebuffed each time. The only explanation? 'We did carry them during the holiday season, but not anymore.'

Do you believe that shit? It's 16° outside and these assholes are trying to sell me a freakin' tank top. What a bunch of jerk offs -- someone needs to tell these asshole clothing designers that just because you release your 'spring line' doesn't mean it suddenly warms up everywhere. Why not sell gloves instead of bikinis when it's the middle of freakin' winter? he added, visibly irritated.

A spokesman for the asshole clothing designers refused to comment, stating a restriction against responding to any accusations of significant merit. A spokeswoman for the bumbling tourists did not return several calls seeking comment.

Editor Rohit Nafday in Salt Lake City contributed to this article.