October 01, 2008

Outsourcing My Personal Existence

Amidst the breathless chatter in recent weeks about banks failing, markets melting, and capitalism ending (¡Viva la revolución!), a vastly more important story has been relegated to consummately irrelevant blogs such as this one: my own life is falling apart. And while long-time readers may be excused for pondering what makes this news of any import whatsoever, considering, first, that I lead a largely marginalized and trivial existence, and second, that my life is always in some state of catastrophic collapse given its necessary futility, the unprecedented levels of anxiety, self-doubt, and despair that have consumed me in past month nonetheless convince me that something out of the ordinary is afoot.

I am sleeping little, accomplishing less, and ending each day further behind than I started it. To speak in terms of a particularly vivid (and thoroughly disgusting) analogy from years past, the levels of shit in my clear box are increasing much faster than I can shovel them out. This acceleration is, of course, unsustainable in the long term. And while the ultimate solution remains an option (as it must), I am not persuaded that the tragicomedy of the situation has reached levels such that facilitating my own demise would yield maximum irony. Something, however, must be done. Last year I spoke of outsourcing my digital existence. Today I propose something far more drastic.

Outsourcing is fundamentally about efficiency. Why perform all the tasks necessary towards some end, the theory asks, when it is possible to only perform those in which there is some value to be added, leaving all others to those better suited or situated. Though often discussed in terms of corporate efficiency, the concept is no less relevant to individuals. As I discussed in my article about outsourcing e-mail hosting to Google, overall efficiency may be dramatically increased when the costs of outsourcing do not outweigh the benefits.

And, by and large, my decision to outsource my digital existence has proved to be a value-added venture. Without the horrors of mission-critical system administration to bog me down, I am able to concentrate on other tasks, thus increasing my own efficiency.

But with my second year of law school shaping up to be dramatically more grueling than my first (oh, the lies I was told!), the efficiency garnered by digital outsourcing has not been sufficient to counter the costs of overcommitment that over the years have come to define my life. Putting on my consulting hat and taking a hard look at areas which can be outsourced in my life, I have arrived at the difficult conclusion that my personal life can—and should—be cut. And while we are talking about this, it might be good to considering outsourcing sleeping and eating as well.

To be clear, this was not a hasty decision. Insofar as I do now or will in the future add any value whatsoever to society (a dubious proposition at best), it will come as being the proverbial (fungible) cog in the (loathsome) corporate machine. Socially, I add no value at all—nor will I ever, given my fundamental status as a commodity friend.

The question that naturally follows from the conclusion above is why I still bother to go through the motions of social interaction? Would not it be easier if someone better suited to this task were to undertake it for me? Of course it would!

The natural question for attentive readers might be why not just dispense with the social nature of one's life altogether, instead of seeking to outsource it? The answer is relatively simple, and is grounded in one of the fundamental principles discussed earlier (in the context of marriage): brand management. While those who simple isolate themselves from the world at large to pursue higher levels of efficiency may face serious disrepute amongst less efficiency-minded individuals in society, those who outsource their socialization need not worry since the world still perceives them as well-rounded individuals (whatever that means!).

Like most theories, practical difficulties abound. For instance, how does one implement this outsourcing of social functions without giving away the game? Specifically, how can a person send someone else to socialize with his or her friends without said friends realizing this sham absent ridiculous levels of intoxication?

That is a serious difficulty indeed, and unfortunately, one for which I currently have no solution. I am fairly confident, however, that robots will be involved in some capacity. I may have dropped the ball by not using my EE degree to build such (or any other) robots, but hopefully someone else will pick it up and run with it. The efficiency of the whole world awaits your invention! Get to work, people.