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June 13, 2004

The O.C. Variant

Over the years, I seem to have acquired a reputation for cynicism, bitterness, and negativity, not undeservedly I suppose, and as most who have met me in person will claim (erroneously, of course), most of it is pretense and posturing. However, what I hope to discuss in this entry is something I feel very strongly about, and should be misconstrued neither as farce nor facetiousness. (As an aside before I begin, let me also note that I have used The O.C. correctly in the title of this entry—it is an entry about the Orange County variant, but I am not from the Orange County, despite what Fox might have you believe.)

This entry concerns the rules behind acquiring the front passenger seat of an automobile, colloquially known as shotgun, and moreover, the de facto standard in Orange County, seemingly ignored by those from other, obviously inferior, places. First of all, if you do not know of the concept of shotgun, or worse, do not understand the concept, please realize that your ignorance is unacceptable, and you are undeserving of the oxygen that you breathe. Second of all, if you refuse to acknowledge the supreme laws of shotgun, you are an idiot and need to be beaten. In fact, during a 12th grade production of an Absurdist drama, my friends and I did just that, writing in a severe and violent beating of a supposed friend notorious for his flaunting of the rules; we did surprisingly well on the assignment, proving that even our English teacher acknowledged the need to punish lawless vagabonds.

The discrepancy between rules in Orange County and elsewhere really amounts to one small, but essential point: when shotgun can be called. Opposition leaders will talk about deeds and lines of sight, but the reality of the situation is, shotgun may be called at any time. Say I propose a road trip to Las Vegas, and then, generously agree to drive. A person may immediately call shotgun in my car, regardless of when the trip is scheduled to happen. Furthermore, all other seats in the car (e.g., left nut, right nut, etc.) may also be called at this time. In fact, someone relegated to the backseat by another person calling shotgun may even use a negation, such as no middle, if the other two seats have not already been called and he or she does not have a preference as to the side of the vehicle. Additionally, on a round trip, shotgun becomes available for the return journey as soon as the driver extracts the key on arrival, not after the return, on the car becoming visible. Anyone who does not agree with this is just wrong, and I'll explain the superiority of the O.C. variant next.

Simply put, the O.C. variant is superior due to the importance it places on thought. Any uncultured brute can remember to call shotgun on seeing the car right before a trip in said car. Moreover, the line of sight stipulation discriminates in favor of taller people, who possess longer strides and unobstructed visions. On the other hand, the O.C. variant demands the aspiring shotgun passenger be thoughtful and responsive, reacting quickly in light of opportunity. It then becomes very apparent why the iconoclasts remain so vehemently opposed to the proliferation of the clearly superior Orange County shotgun rules: fear of the increased competition it would bring and the unsightly losses they would face.

As with any serious debate, naysayers and traitors will emerge, trying to undermine the defined O.C. standard. However, I must say I have never met any true O.C. resident who did not express disgust over the general public's refusal to accept the O.C. variant of the shotgun rules, so be wary of those purportedly from O.C. who claim otherwise. I am confident that with time, people will realize their errors and renounce their interpretation in favor of the O.C. variant. Until then, I remain committed to the evangelism of the non-believers.


Whatevs, man...

As for your new e-mail... wow. Congratulations. Someone still has jacktang and jtang. I have to use a stupid underscore.

I'm from Huntington Beach, and I've never heard "no middle" in my life. What I have heard is: "not bitch".

I suggest you forge another post on one of the other great customs of our time, which goes by many names: "tap tap", "ghost man", "super seat savers", or the rare and exotic: "null void lock".

All right. No middle usually is bastardized to not bitch but I was just trying to be formal about it.

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