May 10, 2005

Advent of the Anticlimactic

I find it quite fitting that my first post in nearly a month should fall on the same day that effectively marked the end of my undergraduate career at Cal, considering my rather extended hiatus from the online world was a direct consequence of all the academic manure under which I had been buried in the last few weeks. As I had mentioned in a previous entry, I had been experiencing burn out like I never have before in my life, and no words can express the anticipation with which I was awaiting this fateful day - May 10, 2005. Yet, the day has come and nearly gone, and I still have not felt anything special. How anticlimactic!

This semester has marked a lot of lasts for me, from my last Cal Day as an undergraduate, to my final Cal Bench game at Haas Pavilion, to the last ResComp spring picnic, and yet in each case, these supposedly momentous events have come and gone, and left me behind, confused and stunned, still wondering why I did not feel more. The advent of this anticlimacticism is rather disturbing, considering the undeniable relevance of each of these activities or organizations in my life at Cal, and moreover, the indubitably dramatic changes looming on the horizon. I keep waiting to feel some sort of emotion, whether it be happiness or anger or sadness, but all that comes is apathy, indifference, and disinterest.

Perhaps it just hasn't sunk in yet, or maybe the hype cannot stand up to the reality, but at this point, on the eve of the Commencement Convocation, I can't help but wonder when something will sink in, if at all. Honestly, the end of college should be momentous; the fact that it has not yet been is akin to a novel with no story, a movie with no end, or worst of all, sex with no orgasm (you know this reference was inevitable!). Whether it be thematic, cinematic, or simply orgasmic, the climax is an indivisible part of the experience, and to replace it with oscitancy and insouciance can only result in a denigration of the collective encounters that compose our lives. Think about it - without the climax, there would be no books, there would be no stories, and sex would exist solely for procreation, relegated to yet another mundane task associated with the upper tiers of the relationship pyramid.

Although society's ever-rising expectations and ever-falling standards maybe the cause of this widespread and ever-growing apathy, I sincerely believe that our generation suffers more than those before. Is this unbridaled disinterest and unwavering indifference what lies in store for all the purportedly momentous occasions in my life that await? I can't say for sure, but in times like these, I'm reminded of the still-apt words of a famous poet from yet another Lost Generation - T.S. Eliot:

This is the way the world ends
This is the way the world ends
This is the way the world ends
Not with a bang but a whimper.

These days, I suppose the same could be said about passing of my life; not with a bang, but with a whimper.