July 09, 2005

Red Rover, Red Rover

I think that it's particularly ironic that my first real rant in months should come at a time when I'm not feeling the least bit eloquent or articulate, but honestly, the topic of this rant has plagued me for far too long and I can stay silent no longer. So articulate or not, here we go.

First of all, let me provide some context by way of expanding on the title of this entry. I'm sure most of you are familiar with the schoolyard game of red rover, and if not, the linked site does a fairly decent job of explaining it. For several years now, and more specifically, four times today, I have had the unpleasant experience of being forced to play this game in a venue that's anything but a schoolyard. That's right—I'm referring to the schoolyard known as a crowded sidewalk, with the other contestants being idiotic couples blinded by false notions of love and companionship, foolishly holding hands while walking and taking up the whole sidewalk!

Now, as most who read this site could tell you, and most who know me well in person would probably vehemently refute (falsely), I do not necessarily have the most rosy or romantic conception of love. Despite the ambiguity surrounding my true opinion on this rather dense subject, I think I have provided ample evidence in the past few years to at least gain some credibility as a levelheaded person not likely to advocate senseless displays of public affection. While I do not necessarily challenge the entire notion of holding the hands in public, nor even while walking down a sidewalk, I do strenuously object to people taking up the whole goddamn sidewalk while two way traffic is trying to proceed, and then, to top it off, refusing to let go when someone is forced to walk in between!

Seriously. What the hell is wrong with these people and their lives? Do they have no concept of traffic flow or are they just too incompetent, oblivious, and self-absorbed to realize that they are wasting the precious time (and consequently, money) of all those around them by creating a physical impasse? I encounter this phenomenon all too often: I'm walking down the road, a couple is walking on both sides of the sidewalk, and the space in between them is obstructed by their linked hands. I'm forced to walk in the middle to avoid a face to face collision and yet, they won't let each others hands go, so I have to either break through them, step off the sidewalk, or simply stop and let them awkwardly go around me. So, for all you stupid assholes out there who feel the necessity to hold hands in public, take up the entire sidewalk, and obstruct traffic at large, here are some ground rules for you:

1. Move over, assholes! If you want to hold hands, fine, but then you can't take up the whole sidewalk when there is traffic moving in the opposite direction. When opposing traffic comes, form a single file line and move over!
2. Let go, dumbasses! If you insist on walking next to one another, with a huge space in between you, be prepared to let go of your grip to let people pass between. If you don't want people passing in between, don't leave enough space between you to pass in between! Seriously, is that too hard to comprehend, you idiots?
3. Get over yourselves! Honestly, no one on earth gives a shit about you or your significant other, so really, there is no need to make such a big deal of holding hands in the first place. Public displays of affection are highly overrated to begin with, and realistically, is one palm resting in yours really going to make you feel all that closer to the person? Of course not! So just stop!

I sincerely hope that none of you people I know who are reading this right now are guilty of this heinous crime, because if so, then I hate you already. If you are or have been guilty, please learn from your grievous errors, because I'm done dealing with awkward situations like this. Next time, I'm going in with a running start. Red rover, red rover!