August 05, 2007

Digital Marriage Therapy

Though I am not one to generally spend much time or energy with the Wall Street Journal's Pursuits section (my preference runs to the Editorials), every once in a while, a gem will surface that is not only worth reading, but also worth blogging about; this weekend's edition presented such an opportunity with 'Til Tech Do Us Part, an article on the problems of marriage in the digital age. Now, regular readers will likely recall that about a year ago, I published a manifesto that purported to mitigate the hassles of break-ups in the digital age,¹ but that analysis tends to breakdown when one cannot soundly assume the relationship will end in catastrophic failure, i.e., the objective is to remain in said relationship (understandably, this is a distinctly foreign concept for yours truly). In any case, though I may know next to nothing about how (or why) one might sustain any such entanglement beyond a couple months, let alone 'til death do us part, technology remains my forté: allow me to impart my wisdom.

Non-Issues

Before even delving into hardcore issues like music libraries and blogs, let's dispense with the nonsense. The aforementioned article notes that a lot of couples these days struggle with the conflicts arising from shared e-mail and computer accounts. What the fuck? Why the hell would anyone feel compelled to share e-mail or login accounts? That's like sharing a toothbrush. Do these same people share underwear too? Or deodorant? I mean, seriously: just because you share a bed and occasionally, bodily fluids, does not mean you have to share everything. There are things in this life that are so intrinsically personal—fundamentally individual—that they have no place being shared—ever; and to that list, which once included toothbrushes, underwear, and deodorant (I would add razors too, but I've experienced friction because of this before), we must add e-mail and desktop preferences. Sure, you can wear my t-shirts if you want, and even use my comb/hair brush if you must (though I won't be happy about it), but stay the fuck away from my keyboard shortcuts and desktop icons!

The arguments I have heard advanced in support of so-called joint e-mail addresses are just as idiotic as the people advancing them. Some argue that a joint e-mail gives credence to the couple's position as a unit (whatever that means); others see shared e-mail as a gesture of trust and transparency, or a means of ensuring fidelity without resorting to pretexting; and finally, there's the not-entirely-ridiculous need to have household e-mails (e.g., children's schools, etc.) arrive in both parties' mail boxes.

As for the first and third problems, they are easily resolved with a singular solution: e-mail lists, morons! With two quick clicks on Google or Yahoo, one can create an e-mail list (e.g., rohitandthegirlhetricked@googlegroups.com) that will both serve as a central point for household e-mails and ensure unity in the online sphere (again, why that is important is anyone's guess).

As for the second problem (fidelity), let me just say this: if you need to share an e-mail account to ensure your spouse won't cheat on you, your marriage is already fucked; and if you think sharing a single address will stop your spouse from creating a separate e-mail to cheat on you, you are additionally an idiot. You can trust your spouse, or not (I would encourage the former before tying the knot, and more importantly, your finances, with someone, but that's just me), but there's absolutely nothing to be gained from sharing an e-mail account, all delusions aside. In this case, the computer scientists really did get it right: segmentation is the only way! Hell, all my kids are getting an Apple Macbook Pro (or equivalent) at birth, so I figure my wife can have one too (she'll have to pay for it herself, though).

Sharing is Caring

Now onto the stuff that should be shared, e.g., music, photos, movies, etc. Again, instead of wasting time bickering foolishly, intelligent couples have an easy solution right in front of them: build a media server, i.e., a central machine that stores all digital media. In addition to making the perennial problem of backups simpler, now both parties can upload all their digital stuff to that machine, and then, pull down only stuff they want to their own machines. Bam! For less than a grand, all the bickering is gone (assuming equitable disk quotas, of course).

As for blogs, I am a strong supporter of the his, hers, and ours concept (adjust accordingly depending on your sexual preference). One blog so I can talk shit about her (i.e., Rohit's Realm, circa 2013), one blog so she can talk shit about me, and one blog so we can both talk shit about our kids. Everyone wins... until my kids betray me online and I am forced to hack their sites. Sorry kids: All Your Base Are Belong to Us.²

You know, maybe I should give up all this corporate shit and just become a digital marriage counselor. I could make millions! Maybe if the life coaching business Audrey and I are putting together doesn't pan out, I'll consider it.

¹ It has worked wonders for me, but I doubt most of you self-described hopeless romantics out there have the wherewithal necessary to implement it with any rigor.
² Non-techies, see, e.g., Wikipedia.