July 02, 2008

The MTA Suck Factor

As anyone who has ever suffered the gross misfortune of being forced to use the disgraceful San Francisco MUNI knows altogether too well, the number of trains that go by in the opposite direction while you wait impatiently, alternating between swatting away bums and staring at one's watch with an ever-increasing homicidal rage, is a decent proxy for one's frustration with that woeful system at any given time. Cody the Freak crystallized this concept as the MUNI Suck Factor, which BChalk later modified to the MUNI Suck Ass Factor, as I discussed earlier. While this conceptualization served me well in SF, it requires modification to properly reflect the state of affairs in New York City, as there are several more variables to consider in gaging anger and frustration.

At the outset, let me just say that the two systems are by no means comparable. MUNI is by far the most loathsome piece-of-shit excuse for a transportation system that the developed world has ever known. Indeed, though I spend most of my life adrift in a turbulent sea of mediocrity, loneliness, and despair, if there is one thing that can pull me ashore from my rudderless ambling, it is my hatred of MUNI. I would go so far as to say that my sole purpose in life, insofar as I have one at all, is to see that God-awful system dismantled and destroyed, piece by awful little piece. (Cue sadistic laughter.) Check out the San Francisco Platform if you wish to join us in our campaign.

Anyway, the point is that New York's MTA is not so bad. In fact, until yesterday, I would have even said that it was damn good. Whereas I experienced problems with MUNI from day one, and with CTA in Chicago in a couple days,¹ I had absolutely no problems whatsoever with public transit in New York for the first two weeks I was here. That is a remarkable feat in and of itself. For a system that handles the amount of volume that the MTA does each day, it functions like a charm. So, in general, stop your whining New Yorkers; we can talk after you have ridden the (consummately hated) MUNI N-Judah for a week.

Nonetheless, MTA's success vis-à-vis MUNI will not stop me from whining about it. My love affair with the MTA ended abruptly last night, and the bitter break up was this morning. In the course of all the yelling and screaming over who would have custody over the children (what?), I came up with the three other factors that must be considered in the MTA Suck Factor:

• Heat/Humidity Suck Subfactor. This is a huge negative against the MTA. The subway stations during the summer are insufferable. Come on, New York. Biggest city in the most advanced civilization the world has ever known, and you can't fix this problem? Get your shit together.² This is probably an exponential factor.
• Express Train Suck Subfactor. Apparently trains that normally stop at each station convert to express at arbitrary times in the night. I found this out the hard way last night when the 1 decided to run express after 96th and wanted me to get off at 137th in the middle of Harlem at 1:30 a.m. to take the 1 in the opposite direction so I could get to 116th. Needless to say, I got off at 96th and was forced to walk twenty-five blocks because I am currently too cheap and/or poor to take a cab. That sucked. A lot. Nonetheless, I am thinking frustration probably grows logarithmically with the number of blocks walked.
• Trains Not Stopping Suck Subfactor. This morning, the 1 did not show up for 20 minutes, and then when one finally did, it passed by without stopping at all. What the hell? This is a multiplicative, not additive problem.

Now, it's time for some math. The SF MUNI Suck Factor is defined as follows:

SSF = O
where
O = # of trains passing in the opposite direction

In contrast, the MTA Suck Factor is defined by the following equation:

SNYC = (O * P * ln(E))ΔH
where
O = # of trains passing in the opposite direction
P = # of trains passing in the same direction without stopping
E = # of blocks walked due to arbitrary express train conversion
ΔH = the temperature difference between the outside world and the subway tunnel

Think I missed a variable? Have some thoughts about the mathematical formual? Drop a comment.

^ ¹ To be fair, I have not had occasion to use the CTA all that much since Chicago's South Side in general, and Hyde Park in particular, are cut off from the El system unless you pack heat and wear a bulletproof vest. Nevertheless, I feel comfortable writing it off based on my limited experience. Between the Blue Line being slower than driving in rush hour to O'Hare and the mind-boggling stupidity of creating an above ground, uncovered system of public transit in a place that experiences some of the most severe winters in the country, CTA is easily dismissed as a sub-par system.
^ ² Speaking of the most advanced civilization in the world, what's with the fucking trash in the streets, New York? You would think after a hundred years, someone would have figured out a solution to the fact that you assholes decided not to have alleyways to store it. You know what's not cute? Walking on the streets and smelling the sour smell of hot, rotting trash and piss. For the love of all that is holy, can someone please get on this?