February 26, 2003

Engineered Implosion

Two things happened today that got me thinking a lot more about myself. First, I finally got around to writing my outline for my First Year Experience for CalSO, considering it was due today. As I tried to summarize the happenings of an entire year into a 3 page outline (15 minute speech), I realized how much I had changed in the last two years. Looking at where I am now, on a personal level, I seriously began to wonder whether people I went to high school with would even recognize me anymore, were I to be introduced to them today. Everything, from my personality, to my demeanor, to my attitude, to my outlook on life has significantly changed since my senior year in high school. In retrospect, I cannot attribute this change to any specific, pivotal event in the last two years. And considering that it just dawned on me today, it certainly was a slow transition, one which I can readily say is yet very incomplete.

For many months now, I have been sporadically commenting about how my cynicism has been lessening, and people who have known me since way back when have also made similar observations. Also changed is my bitter pessimistic viewpoint on life, perhaps not revealed to people outside of my family prior to this, but it's definitely much more optimistic then it was just two years ago. Finally, random things like being involved in stuff like CalSO points to this major change, perhaps two years in the making. Me, two years ago would not only have shunned CalSO, but I think would have been rendered helpless by all emotional stuff that counselors deal with. Given the amount of construction that's going on all around campus, I would liken my current situation (and personal character) to a building or other type of structure. Following this analogy, in an effort to subconsciously construct a new me, I have been slowly but surely dismantling the old infrastructure, piece by piece.

Cynicism was lowered, barriers have been let down—I've become more tolerant, accepting, and friendly—and my viewpoint on life has changed. Soon it will be time to implode the building, and then the new structure can be crafted. However, in my case, I don't think that this implosion will ever come, because as the word implies, this would probably require some big emotional episode, which I am quite sure will not happen, considering the years I spent starting in elementary school making sure emotions don't control me. This significantly complicates issues, because if there is no clean break from one identity to another, it means I will probably end up a mix of my old and new self, but so be it—perhaps that's who I really am. It seems I have now confused myself sufficiently with this construction analogy, so I'm going to address the second event that happened today, that got me thinking more about this change in identity.

I had a conversation with a friend from high school, who I hadn't spoken to in a very long time. It was very interesting, because both of us were similar in our mannerisms during high school, in that we were very mean, whether it be through our unending FOB jokes, or otherwise. I suppose many people who have gotten to know me at Cal never met the asshole side of me, or perhaps they might think they have, but believe me—they haven't. Nothing I have ever said or done at college compares in magnitude to my attitude in high school. Not that I regret that in any way—I think that is not necessarily an trait that I want to be associated with any longer. I suppose that part of me slowly subsided when I came here, and it still appears in bursts, but rarely lasts very long. Like many things, I think I have outgrown this attitude, or at least altered it at the very least. In any case, whereas at one point in my life, it defined me, nowadays, it's only one part of my every changing identity. Here is an excerpt from the conversation I had:

Rohit (6:57:39 PM): have you lost your pessimism?
Rohit (6:57:42 PM): i fear mine is escaping me
Friend (6:57:46 PM): yeah
Friend (6:58:19 PM): sometimes i have a dab of verbal wits with a person i don't like
Friend (6:58:23 PM): and it STINGS
Friend (6:58:42 PM): but i am generally happy and weirdly--- goofy
Rohit (6:58:57 PM): uh oh
Rohit (6:59:17 PM): like i rarely say anything mean to anyone anymore
Friend (6:59:32 PM): i just say funny mean things...
Rohit (6:59:39 PM): haha yeah but that's different
Friend (6:59:44 PM): yes
Friend (6:59:47 PM): so i guess it is gone
Friend (7:01:16 PM): but i guess we had to grow up...

Friend (7:17:30 PM): okay
Friend (7:17:32 PM): must peace out
Friend (7:17:43 PM): but keep the loving coming
Rohit (7:17:46 PM): don't get too bright & cheery
Rohit (7:17:51 PM): and i'll try not to either
Friend (7:18:38 PM): i'm always a chipper girl
Friend (7:18:46 PM): you would really laugh so hard

So what does this all mean? Probably nothing but me talking out of my ass, but then again, maybe it does mean I am changing. Who really knows with bullshit like this? Also, I'd just like to say that when I entered the library at around 7:45 p.m., it was not raining, nor did it even look stormy, but when I left at 11:45 p.m., it was rainy pretty damn hard—cute how the weather can screw you like that, huh?