March 07, 2003
Outsmarting The Vultures
Anyone who has ever set foot on the Berkeley campus knows about Sproul Plaza. The hordes of protesters protesting something or another, the lines of tables advocating something that you're not interested in, the extremely well informed (and insane) bums screaming about some current event, and of course, everyone's favorite Sproul manifestation, the proverbial flyer-er.
Whether futilely passing out Communist pamphlets, or attempting to convert people to one religion or another, the vultures of Sproul, as I like to call them, are the bastard birds of the Sproul kingdom. Unlike the eagles or hawks, such as the people who pass out Squelch (I say this because people are actually interested in reading this magazine), the vultures come bearing useless information and usually only prey on the weak of spirit. Like the animals that seek out death and decay, the vultures of Sproul target slow-moving, apathetic crowds while leaving alone the mean-looking, huge guys.
Seriously, though, how many times have you seen a nerdy guy/girl innocently walking down Sproul get harassed by a militant fanatic ranting about some cause he or she doesn't completely understand, and how many times have you seen a football player get harassed in the same way? I like to watch these things (because I have nothing to do with my pointless life), and believe me, nine times out of ten, the fool with his head up his ass will scream and yell at a person minding his or her own business, but will shy away from any large athlete-type person.
Why? Because they are vultures—not really birds of prey, but the cleanup crew of the Sproul kingdom. The analogy doesn't stop there however. On Thursday, I was walking through Sproul, and as my luck would have it, I got stuck behind a slow-moving group of freaks, who apparently never learned about the correct way to walk. I ran into a couple of CalSO counselors and so I stopped to talk for a moment. Within moments, the vultures were upon us. Why? Well, because a non-moving group of people is as good as dead to the vultures. They attacked us with their foolishness, but growing tired of the annoyance, I quickened my pace and got the hell out of there.
The moral of this story? It's a jungle (place where scavenger birds such as vultures live) out there in Sproul Plaza, and the weak will perish. Only the strong will survive. So next time you run into a friend, acquaintance, or someone you have never met before and wish to engage them in a conversation, have the prudence to leave the plaza lest you be taken for dead by the roaming bastards and eaten alive! And beware, recently the birds of prey haven't been restricting themselves to Sproul Plaza. Given the large number of idiots who populate the area, some of the less mighty and more foolish groups are moving out into the Sather Gate/Dwinelle Plaza area, targeting unsuspecting victims. Be safe, people.