May 08, 2003

Welcome to the College of Ludicrousness and Stupidity

Welcome to the College of Ludicrousness & Stupidity, otherwise known as the College of L&S. You're about to begin your journey into incompetence, ineptitude, and foolishness. Each day you are a member of this college, you will feel yourself get dumber. This is normal. Think about what you will have achieved by the time you graduate!

End of sophomore year is fast approaching, and I had to declare my MCB Simultaneous Degree. Last week, I talked to my Student Affairs Adviser in Engineering, got the form filled out, and sent it in for approval from the Dean of Engineering. I got word today that it was approved, and I was supposed to take it to L&S for their approval. Easier said than done.

I went to L&S with the Simultaneous Degree form from Engineering, and said, what do you want me to do?

Enter Mindless Bureaucrat #1: We can't accept this form, it's from Engineering. Fill out this IDENTICAL L&S form that actually contains LESS information than does the Engineering form, and bring it back for approval.
Me: No, no, no you pile of shit... I already spoke to Engineering and they said that since they are my home college, we use their form—it's the rule for Simultaneous Degree petitions.
Enter Mindless Bureaucrat #2: Oh yes, we do accept this form. We will take it. That's it. Have a good day.
Me: No, no, no you sack of shit... shouldn't I at least SPEAK with MCB and let them know, that you know, I'm going to be majoring in it? It would be nice to get a faculty adviser... trivial stuff like that.
Mindless Bureaucrat #2: Oh yeah, let me confer with my foolish co-worker for ten minutes. Yes, yes... have them sign these two forms, and bring it back to us (Makes an X on the two forms, underneath Major #1).

So I go skipping of to the MCB Undergraduate Affairs Office. Within five minutes, I am speaking with an Undergraduate Affairs Adviser, who is super nice. She helps me pick my schedule, approves my forms, and refers me to a faculty adviser for final approval. I go to my faculty adviser, who is super nice, fills out my forms, talks to me about the major and my emphasis (Neurobiology), and refers me back to MCB. I head over to MCB, get my forms photocopied, and then head over to Campbell Hall (a.k.a. The Devil's Lair). I return the forms and say, is this OK?

Enter Mind-numbingly Incompetent Bureaucrat #1: Sorry, we cannot accept this form, it's from Engineering. Fill out this IDENTICAL L&S form that actually contains LESS information than does the Engineering form, and bring it back for approval.
Me: WHAT THE HELL? Go shit on yourself. I spoke to someone in THIS office earlier and they said it's OK to use the Engineering form.
Enter Mind-numbingly Incompetent Bureaucrat #2: Oh yes, we can use this form. Oh wait, you didn't fill out a petition to declare the major. And also, this person signed underneath Major #1. We think that your MCB faculty adviser is in fact approving your EECS schedule because we are so stupid, it hurts. You need to have him sign underneath the Major #2. Look at our identical L&S form that actually contains LESS information than does the Engineering form. You're going to have him sign the petition, and also indicate that in some way he is your MCB adviser.
Me: WAIT JUST A MINUTE HERE. Are you dumb? Your goddamn office put that X there. Not to mention, he is a professor in the MCB department!!! And isn't the petition for a simultaneous degree a petition? Well, do I have to get my EECS faculty adviser to sign this too??
MIB #2: NO, we don't care about EECS. Do you know how many professors are on campus?
Me: Yes, I do. And I also know that none of the ones in the College of Engineering are named [insert professor name], you ass clown! You mean to tell me, that you're sending me back ALL the way across campus to Life Sciences Addition from Campbell Hall because the guy signed 2 inches left of where he was supposed to after you ASSHOLES put the X there. Why THE HELL would he approve my engineering major? Why? That makes no goddamn sense. ROT IN HELL YOU INCOMPETENT IDIOTS.

I stormed off to LSA once again and the guy was very helpful. He signed my forms and so I returned to L&S in Campbell Hall. 30 minutes of my life burned.

Me: OK, I filled out all this paperwork. Can I go now?
Enter Mindnumbingly Incompetent Bureaucrat #3: Sorry, we cannot accept this form, it's from Engineering. Fill out this IDENTICAL L&S form that actually contains LESS information than does the Engineering form, and bring it back for approval.
Me: You have to be FREAKIN' KIDDING ME!!!!!!
Enter Mindnumbingly Incompetent Bureaucrat #4: Yes, we can accept this form. But it looks like no one from Engineering has signed this. You have to go get this signed by Engineering. Otherwise, we don't know if you can graduate or not.
Me: WAIT A GODDAMN SECOND. I was just here half an hour ago, and someone told me that you DON'T need an engineering faculty signature!! Now you're telling me I do?!
MIB #4: Without a signature from Engineering, we don't know if you can graduate from EECS or not.
Me: THE DEAN OF ENGINEERING, someone who outranks you by like a million ranks, signed this. I don't think he would have approved this if I couldn't graduate from the College of Engineering, you stupid shit-head.
MIB #4: The dean approved the petition. He didn't approve the schedule. There is really no difference, but we are so dumb, it hurts us to breathe. We can't accept this. Let me show you our identical L&S form...
Me: I hate you all and I hope you all die a slow and painful death.

I headed over to Engineering where everyone was super helpful. The Associate Dean even came out and said that L&S is giving out wrong information, and in fact the agreement between colleges was that they are supposed to just accept the Home College Simultaneous Degree form. No signing underneath the major bullshit. NO FACULTY ADVISER approval. If the dean approves, that's it. He told me to get the name of the goddamn asshole with his head up his ass giving out wrong information. I told him it would be difficult to pinpoint the idiot, because it seems that the collective IQ of the L&S advising staff is about 70. No one knows what's going on. My adviser in Engineering gave me her card and said, refer any problems to me. So I head back to Campbell Hall for like the 4th time today.

Me: OK, I got all the forms. Can you please just FREAKIN' accept this.
MIB #3: Sorry, we cannot accept this form, it's from Engineering. Fill out this IDENTICAL L&S ...
Me: YOU INCOMPETENT, INEPT, SORRY ASS excuse for a living being... SHUT UP! SHUT UP! SHUT UP! IF I HAD A DULL RAZOR BLADE RIGHT NOW, I WOULD HACK AT YOU UNTIL YOU WERE DEAD!!!!!
MIB #3: *shrugs* Sorry, we cannot accept this form.
Me: Listen, I just spoke to the Associate Dean of Engineering and my adviser. They said that you guys are supposed to take this form, that all the bullshit you put me through was incorrect, and that if there are any other problems, to contact the College of Engineering. Here is my adviser's card.
MIB #3: Well, we normally don't accept these forms and the worst case scenario is that you would need to fill out more paperwork. If nothing goes wrong, you will see it on BearFacts in about a month. Otherwise, we will need to contact you.
Me: If their is anymore paperwork, it will be filled out with your blood.
MIB #3: Can you please fill out your contact information, oh and we have a line, so could you please sit down back there while filling it out.
Me, not moving: Sure, here you go, you freakin' piece of shit. How do you like that, I'm not moving. Now what you gonna do about it? Looks like your goddamn manual doesn't say what to do when a student refuses to move, does it? I should really just stab you. Maybe I could get community service hours.

This experience has been one of the most frustrating bureaucratic run-arounds in a long time. And what's worse, it wasn't as if there was a communication issue. MCB, EECS, and the College of Engineering were all following the set protocol. The problem was that rodents are more intelligent than the L&S Advising team, and that no one there could take a piss or tie their shoe without having it written in some manual. What's really frightening is that these people actually advise actual L&S students. I cannot tell you how glad I am that I never entered into the College of Letters and Science as a freshman. If I had trusted my future to them, I would have ended up picking up dog shit in a sewer by now. How can these people be trusted to guide and advise the biggest college on campus, when they can't do anything and can't even come up with one answer for the same question amongst all of them. I have gotten stuff done faster at the DMV, a government agency. I am so afraid that next semester I'm going to have to deal with these dumb shits. Seriously, whenever I enter that office, I see people running around like chickens with their heads cut off. The disorganization rivals that of a four-year-old's room. Wait, let me not insult four-year-old children. These people are the scum of the earth. In contrast, I have never gotten the run around in the COE and in fact, every time I go there, my work gets done efficiently.

L&S is a zoo. It's a zoo full of dumb animals that can't be called human. If anything, they are robots, but the guy who made them must have modeled the AI on a retarded squirrel or something. I wouldn't be surprised if an English major ended up taking Chem 3B as a major prerequisite or an Physics major ended up taking Ethnic Studies before he or she could be approved. What's even more surprising is how L&S Departments at UC Berkeley manage to still be ranked highly, when the undergraduates are undoubtedly misguided by these morons. Perhaps it's because the Department advisers actually know what's going on, like my MCB one did. If it was left to the esteemed L&S advisers, all learning would be stopped and we would all spend 8 hours a day filling out forms.

I really wonder, do they actually train advisers on the rules of the colleges? I mean, if a MCB Undergrad Adviser, an Engineering Undergrad adviser, my EECS faculty adviser, and my MCB faculty adviser all knew the procedure for declaring a Simultaneous Degree, WHY THE HELL DID THE L&S ASSHOLES NOT KNOW!? What the HELL is going on at L&S?!? Moreover, do they serve some function other then to dispense incorrect advice, impede learning at this institution, and be an all-around hindrance in the educational process? Someone should burn the L&S advising office to the ground. I'm sure everything at this University would run more smoothly. All I know is that after my experience with these dumbasses today, I'll pity all those incoming L&S freshman in CalSO... they have NO idea what they're in for!