August 10, 2003

Acquired Tool Syndrome

Sometime during the fall of 2002, after an uninteresting weekend spent with a hopeless tool, a friend from high school, Ali Dalal, and I postulated on the increasingly widespread phenomenon of toolery that seemed to be consuming everyone around us. Having seen an inordinate number of our male friends succumb to social isolation, moody behavior, and unbridaled angst, we developed a theory, which came to pinpoint an epidemic disease spreading rapidly.

The affliction, which came to be known as Acquired Tool Syndrome, explained many of the symptoms visibly noticeable in many young men. After the initial discovery, work on the matter stagnated with the advent of academic commitments, and later, during the spring of 2003, much of the research was lost. However, in recent days, some of the initial findings have been rediscovered, and we, the investigators, remain committed to researching this awful disease. The initial documents produced in 2003 are listed below. The investigation is ongoing and will be updated as information becomes available.

1. What does ATS stand for?

   ATS stands for Acquired Tool Syndrome and is the developed form of HTV, or the Human Tool Virus.

2. What is a tool?

   Wow. If you don't know this, you probably are one. Or you aren't familiar with American culture. Or maybe both. A tool, according to Merriam Webster, is "one that is used or manipulated by another." In general, these tools are unpleasant to be around, and have been known to push normal, sane people into a state of homicidal rage and madness.

3. What is HTV?

   HTV is the Human Tool Virus, the nascent form of ATS.

4. How can I protect myself from toolery?

   Everyone (every male that is) is susceptible to acquiring the disease and becoming a tool. There is no guaranteed solution or protection method. However, with the proper precautions, it is (usually) possible to prevent contraction of the virus. The main way to protect yourself is to keep your distance from tools, or potential tools. If one of your friends contracts the disease, do not try to help him recover. There is no cure. You will not cure him. He will, however, most likely infect you. Once you get the disease, you are a dead man. Have no sympathy for those who catch the disease. It is probably their own fault. Furthermore, try to resist the temptation to let anyone use you, especially women, who frequently possess powerful, manipulative powers over men. Think of the consequences before doing something rash and/or stupid. And remember, if you become a tool, no one will save you. No one will care.

5. I think my best friend is becoming a tool, has HTV, or is showing signs of ATS! What should I do?

   Get the hell away from him! Don't answer his phone calls. Don't meet him in person. Don't talk to him online. Cut off all contact. He must be effectively dead to you. You cannot help him. He isn't even a person anymore. He is a tool. Tools are beyond help. Tools are beyond sympathy. Leave him to his destiny and make sure yours does not become his. If you try to help him, you risk exposure and it can do no good. Once a tool, always a tool. There is no cure.

6. I think I'm a tool!! What do I do?

   Good for you. Admission is the first step to recovery. Although, in this case, there is no cure, so do everyone a favor, including yourself, and end it all. Don't wait another day. The world has enough tools already. We don't need anymore.

7. Hey man, I'm not a tool. I just do everything she says because I love her.

   Listen carefully. YOU ARE A TOOL! And worse yet, you don't even know you are a tool. But you are. A big one. I know it. She knows it. The world knows it. Moreover, we all despise you for it. Refer to the above question once you've come to terms with it.

8. I'm a woman, and I think I might be making my boyfriend/guy friend/lover/neighbor into a tool! What should I do?

   Nothing. Keep it up. Perhaps even step it up. You own him now. And who really gives a shit about him? It's his own fault he let you make him a tool. And now that he is, you have your own personal slave. So use him, abuse him, and when he is a pathetic wreck of former manhood, dump him like last week's garbage. Then move onto another unsuspecting guy. You're doing nothing wrong. Remember, this is entirely the fault of the male who lets it happen to himself. You are just looking out for your own interests and if the guy was looking out for his, he would have never let toolery consume him.

9. Hey man, I'm not a tool. I just like to show my affection by doing stuff for my girlfriend/girl who wants to be "just friends"/lover/neighbor. All the women love me!

   Wrong asshole. Women like to use you like the tool you are. You are a personal assistant they don't have to pay and a source of income they don't have to earn. You are nothing. Worse yet, you don't even realize your sub-human state of affairs yet. Refer to "I think I'm a tool" question when you are finally ready to accept your toolery.

10. Hey man, at least I got a girl. So what if I do stuff for her once in a while?

    Wrong again, asshole. You don't "got" nothing. She's got a slave. You have nothing at all. Not even your dignity.

11. I'm a total tool. Can I bother you with my sub-human concerns and complain about love and relationships incessantly to you?

    Burn in hell.

12. Hey man, I'm not a tool. I'm just a sensitive guy.

    Die.

Note: This document probably dates back to April 2003, but I published it as a new entry now anyway.