September 14, 2004

Code is NOT Cool

As all the regular readers of my blog probably know, my social criticism and written barrages are usually restricted to a few select topics: bums, bureaucracy, and buffoons. However, after having had the unfortunate experience of hearing three independent conversations about computer programming in less than 12 hours while on campus today, I felt it was my duty to clarify some points regarding this subject.

The most important point I can make about the topic of public discussion of programming, computer science, or really any other such nerdy subject is this: Code is not cool! Now, realize that this is coming from a EECS major with a significant background in programming. I would even venture as far as to call myself a programmer (others certainly do). So you might naturally wonder how I can so unequivocally make such a strong statement, given my own background. The answer is, very easily, considering I know the guidelines regarding public discussion of nerdy subjects.

Now, what are these guidelines I speak of? Simply put, the guidelines are implicit, unstated rules adopted by all technical people desiring to be accepted by mainstream society, which dictate when it is and (and more importantly) when it is not acceptable to speak about nerdy topics. Rarely are they mentioned or even acknowledged; usually, it's just an understanding between technical people. However, given the fact that many of my younger colleagues in the EECS department haven't figured them out yet, I'm going to spell them out here.

1. Code is not cool. I don't care how excited you're about your 61b project or the wet dreams you have about C++. More importantly, no one else cares either. Any reference to anything that remotely sounds computer science-related will inevitably bring up every existing stereotype of CS geeks to mind within a fraction of a second in anyone who hears it. Even referencing code or coding is bordering on social suicide. Just stop! Restrain yourself.
2. There are few acceptable places where nerdy topics such as code can be discussed, which include (and are probably limited to): the sanctity of your own home, a computer science class (and no other class, mind you!), online (since its all computers anyway), and at work (IF and ONLY IF you work in a technology field). You might get away with discussing these topics in the general campus nerdzone (ie. Evans, Cory, Soda, Bectel Terrace, etc.), but any attempts to discuss these topics outside that area are completely unacceptable.
3. It is never acceptable to initiate a conversation about computers, unless you are in one of the acceptable places of discourse (see #2). Even then, some caveats apply. If you are in the presence of non-technical people, it is NEVER, EVER, EVER acceptable to initiate conversation about computers. Furthermore, if an ignorant technical person unwittingly does in fact initiate a conversation about computers while you two are in the presence of non-technical people, it is your responsibility to quickly change the subject.
4. Snorting while discussing computers doesn't do anything for your image.
5. Everyone knows C++ and LISP are different and that you learned C++ in high school. There is no need to continuously reiterate this fact.
6. While in a public place, if a non-technical person asks your advice about a (probably trivial) computer issue he or she is confronting, answer in the quickest and most vague possible way, and then quickly change the subject, preferably to sex, drugs, or alcohol.
7. Remember, everything is worse if only guys are involved. Not that the presence of women will make things much better, nor is it acceptable to do any of the above just because a woman is present, but just be cogniscent that if it's only guys discussing programming, it's atleast 10x worse.
8. Referencing your programming abilities is not an effective means of flirting or acquiring a date, nor will it ever be, no matter how much you wish it were.

I could go on, but I think you get the point. Now, some of you might be thinking that this system is inherently unfair, considering that people in other majors can freely discuss what they are passionate about, whether it be politics, economics, or art, while tech majors have to restrain themselves. I'm not going to argue with that; it is unfair. But just look at it this way: people are intimidated by what they don't understand, and frankly, it's much easier to understand a conversation about politics, economics, or art than it is to understand one about programming or math. Those are the realities of the subjects - deal with it.

So, the next time you have an awesome thought about computers you feel like discussing with someone, stop. Write it down. Shoot off an email. Send someone a text message. Just don't start talking about it with your buddy as you walk down Sproul Plaza. Follow these rules and you might even notice people regarding you in a less disgusted manner than before. Hell, maybe you'll even find that special someone. Ok. Let's not go too far.