October 08, 2004

An Indecent Proposal

In the past four years, Cal has seen an amazing transition in it's football program, going from the woeful 1-10 season in 2001, to an incredible undefeated record, ranking #7 in the nation. Needless to say, diehard Cal football fans such as myself have enjoyed it every step of the way. This weekend's game against #1 ranked USC promises to be one of the most exciting of the season, but as many fans, I'd love to see Cal guaranteed a victory rather than the assurance of a close match. That's where my proposal comes in - while not necessarily commendable in its soundness, this plan nevertheless will definitely be a big step in guaranteeing Cal a much needed victory this weekend if it can be implemented.

So what's the big deal? How can I assure Cal a victory on Saturday? Well, the idea is very simple. We'll go back to the basics - we'll unleash a plague of epic proportions on the USC campus, which will completely distract the campus community as a whole, and allow us the edge needed to defeat the Trojans. So what's the infectious agent, you might ask? Well, I'm sure that LBL probably has something cookin' but I'm not sure we actually want to go that route - it could get messy. No, no - I've got something even better. Just think about it - what does Berkeley have a lot of that no one wants around? Well, yes, Communists, but I was thinking more along the lines of bums!. That's right, some of Berkeley's finest products. Ripe, crazy, and cracked out!

Can you imagine if we were to round up some of craziest, dirtiest, and meanest bums, put them in a truck, and take them out to the USC campus? Sure, USC is in an urban neighborhood, and sure they have bums and crime and mayhem, but nothing beats the insanity of Berkeley bums. I mean, I've been to USC a few times before, and I definitely would agree that it's not a place I'd want to walk alone at night, but the key is getting them inside the gates. The USC campus is like an oasis of money in a desert of poverty and unleashing the pestilence that is the Berkeley homeless community is just what the doctor ordered! The visual is so funny, I'd want to be there just to see it unfold. While the bums were busy shitting themselves and pissing on buildings and throwing up on rich kids, and the LAPD was getting decked out in riot gear for much needed police brutality, we'd be able to ride calmly to victory. Not to mention, we'd have rid ourselves of a few hundred bums in the process!

All I need is a few volunteers, a couple U-Haul trucks, and some nets to catch bums. We wouldn't even need to be saavy about how we got the bums past the gates. We could just drive the trucks through the gates, open the door, and run. The guards would be confronted with the choice of chasing us down or fighting the bums and obviously, they'd be quickly overwhelmed by the craziness, smelliness, and dirtiness of the bums. So who's with me? This is a total win-win situation and think of the glory if we were to pull it off? Come on ... do it for your school! Do it for the poor, innocent students harassed daily by the awful bums! Do it for Cal! Go Bears!