October 31, 2004

Laying the Smack Down

As I mentioned in a post earlier this year, little kids tend to be a rather absurd and incomprehensible breed of pseudo-humans. In addition to nonsensical behavior that some may consider cute and being a generally loud and smelly burden on society, little kids often behave in a very belligerant and rambunctious manner that completely defies understanding. If an adult were to behave this way, he or she would be arrested, indicted, and locked away almost immediately, but little kids always seem to catch a break for not knowing any better. This is a great travesty! If we just layed the smack down (WWF style), I think things would be a lot better. No, seriously, hear me out.

I bring this up primarily because I encountered one of these rambunctious little devils on my trip to Chicago earlier this weekend. I was in line at Starbucks at O'Hare International Airport, waiting to get a caramel frappuchino like the good little yuppie I am, when out of the blue I ran into a man who had been in one of my CalSO groups a few years ago. He recognized me and stopped to chat - naturally the conversation went to jobs because I happened to be dressed in a suit at that time. While I was chatting with this guy, his son, who was no more than maybe four years old, came running out of nowhere, falling over himself like all dumbass kids tend to do, and ran smack into my legs. Unfazed, he got up, and then did something totally unexpected. He said, Hey man, do you want to fight?

Did I want to fight? The kid had just come running in like a wild boar, tripped over himself, fallen into my shins, and ruined my nicely polished shoes, and he wanted to know if I wanted to fight? Damn right, I do, kid. You're days of uncoordinated idiocy are over! I politely inquired as to whether he wanted to take this matter outside and then subtly reminded him that the winds were over 25 MPH that day and that he was likely to be blown over, which would obviously make me the winner by default. Once again, unfazed, he then proceeded to say, What does that mean? and throw punches into my open palm. I know what you're thinking: what an uncultured brute, right? Believe me, I feel you on that one.

This continued on for a while; the father was telling me a story about his first getting a job out of college, oblivious to his son's totally unexplained behavior, while I stood there trying to listen and kept on getting punched by this little kid who was barely higher than my knee. I was about to take matters into my own hands and flick the little kid to stop him from punching me, when he suddenly stopped hitting, looked up, smiled, and said Bye bye, Mr. Yo-hit (the father had introduced us), and ran away, falling over his own feet.

What the hell just happened here! A drive by assault, that's what! Who do these kids think they are!? Do they think they can just tumble around and hit people with impunity!? Well, not anymore! Next kid that does this to me is getting flicked up side the head! And I have no doubt this will happen again. It's happened before, several times in a variety of contexts. For some damn reason, little kids just like me. Maybe laying the smack down will fix that problem. Then again, knowing my luck, probably not.