March 22, 2007

American Values Come to San Francisco

Considering the ravaging obsession of Americans of all political persuasions, be they liberal or conservative, with Fox's hit television series, 24, it should come as no surprise that Jack Bauer (played by Kiefer Sutherland) has become to the 21st century what Dirty Harry and Sonny Crockett were to the late-20th century: unconventional, petulant, blunt, and insubordinate to a virtuosic level, thus, embodying the role of ideal American heroes. Though the popularity of all these characters largely stems from their indubitable stance as the bad asses of their respective decade—and the borderline homo-erotic idolization of mal-adjusted adolescent boys (in both body and spirit)—these characters also retain their iconic stature for their characterization of an American value just as fundamental as freedom of speech and freedom fries: vigilante justice.

Whether it is Wyatt Earp serving up his own brand of justice to outlaws in the Wild West or Jack Bauer taking matters into his own hands to save the country from nuclear annihilation, America's obsession with vigilante justice is well-recorded throughout the history of its existence. Even in contemporary times, (some) Americans continue to laud vigilantes such as the Michigan Militia and the San Diego Minutemen Project, who, in the absence of what they feel is appropriate action by the authorities, utilize their sacred Second Amendment privileges to take matters into their own hands. Keeping with this tradition, the mal-adjusted boys of 1524, of which I am a part, would like to announce the return of this truest of American values to the most unlikely of places in the country: San Francisco.

Yes, San Francisco is home to the lib'ruls, the gays, the hippies, the Commies, the much-abhorred Nancy-Pelosi-Democrats, and every other sort of social ail imported from France, but 1524 would like our brothers in arms to know that there are still some of us in this godforsaken city that remain true to the values of the Founding Fathers¹. In this stead, we have embarked upon a quest like no other before it²: to hunt down and finally put an end to the most anti-American of San Francisco phenomena, Zodiac (that is a French word, is it not?). Mark my words: we will hunt down this Zodiac bastard and, as Jack would say, deal with him (or her). We already have a plan, as it is, formulated by my 1524 compatriots, heretofore known as pimpng and p-diddy, and me:

1. Drink a lot
2. Wait until the bars close at 2 a.m.
3. Run through the streets, screaming: Zodiac, where are you? and Zodiac, I know you are out there.
4. Repeat until the Zodiac materializes, at which point we yell: Right here, right now, you are going to face justice!
5. Make Zodiac face justice.

Clearly, with a well-conceived plan as the one above, I expect we will resolve this situation quite soon. And then, it is on to other acts of arbitrary vigilante justice. Any thoughts?

¹ You know, like the 3/5ths compromise, and more recently, the Chinese Exclusion Act of 1882.
² Except as depicted in the movie, Zodiac.