October 28, 2003

Pennies From Hell

So those of you who know me, or have read some of my entries and know all there is to know, might realize that I'm a person who likes science and logic. In fact, I like it to the point of hating things that are not logical or scientific. But I have this one problem - a weakness, if you will. It's a deep rooted, highly illogical, and completely uncharacteristic allegience to stupid superstitions. I blame my father. It's really entirely his fault. Not all stupid superstitions, mind you. Just a few select stupid ones. One of these is the age old paradigm of lucky pennies being heads up. You know - the one that elementary school children tell one another. Yeah. I believe that one. Stop laughing, asshole!

In any case, whenever I chance upon a so-called "lucky" penny, I immediately pick it up, regardless of who may or may not be looking. I have no shame when it comes to picking up money off the ground. Finders keepers, losers weepers. Today was a monumentous display of how strong my beliefs truly are, as my faith was challenged by someone that is only too appropriate for me - a bum. I was walking to Jamba Juice before going to a meeting this morning when I happened to notice a glimmering copper piece of good luck, just waiting to help me ace my classes this semester. After looking around to make sure no one was looking (because I actually am sort of ashamed to be picking up pennies off the street - quarters would be a different matter), and also ensuring that it was actually heads up (because everyone knows that if heads up brings good luck, tails up is horrendously awful luck), I slowly made my move to pick up the penny.

As my hand descended upon the beacon of forthcoming good luck, I suddenly noticed another hand reaching out for the penny. Doing a quick double take, I noticed it was a bum, trying to pick up the penny. Oh, hell no! Not my good luck! I quickly grabbed the penny, and using the agility that my age afforded me, I took off semi-running across the street, leaving the bum speechless, with a shocked look on his face. It was as if I had run by and stolen the sandwich he was eating from his own hand. In fact, I had done something very similar to that.

I suppose that some would consider this a shameful act, but I beg to differ. I did nothing wrong. If you think about it, I was just looking out for myself and my own luck, so who really gives a shit if I screwed over a bum? Plus, this is America! Blatant, unrestrained, and unmasked selfishness is what we're all about. Don't pretend as if you're not! Furthermore, in the process, I managed to cheat someone poorer than me out of money. And isn't that what it's all about, ladies and gentleman? So before you try to condemn me or my actions, realize that I was just upholding the values of this nation, and then you will soon come to believe (as I do), that this supposedly atrocious act warrants not a condemnation, but rather, a position on a pedestal as the model citizen. Hell, maybe I'll even get a medal out of it ... or a tax break.