June 27, 2004

The FDLA

Remember that dorky club from high school: the Future Business Leaders of America? Well, how about the Future Drug Lords of America? Why do I mention this? Because I'm looking to join the latter. Hey, you should be happy I didn't say I wanted to join the former.

As I have mentioned in the past, I am sincerely beginning to believe that a life of crime might be the only way to find ultimate wealth and happiness. Well, it just so happens that I moved into a new apartment a few weeks ago, and the apartment number just so happens to be 420. As some friends pointed out yesterday, I'd be a fool to not interpret this as a sign from God telling me to become a drug dealer. There are several obstacles to my success in this endeavor, but being the determined individual that I am, I have decided to not waste the opportunity that has knocked on my door.

The first problem of course, is that I am a hardcore person and I cannot settle for simply selling gateway bullshit. It's heroin or bust for me, and in that market, I face serious competition from organized crime. Luckily, I live in Berkeley, and if there's any place in the world where a novice small business owner has a chance to succeed against the big, bad, evil corporations, it's here—haven for Mom and Pop, or in my case, just Pop. Then of course, there is the problem of capital—namely, I don't have any. You've got to spend money to make money, right? Well, I won't be quitting my day job any time soon. Nerdy programmer by day, crackpot drug lord by night. That has the ring of a Pinky and the Brain plan, so what could possibly go wrong? Finally, there's the problem of merchandise, i.e., where would I get the heroin to sell. Well, there are a couple of options I can see: I could make it, or I could buy it and then re-sell it. Well, considering that I have a janky electric stove, production is pretty much out of the question. I was never particularly good in chemistry lab anyway. So, that only leaves purchasing and I definitely can't buy it from the mob, because buying from your competitor is bad business. But I figure, with all the bums in my 'hood looking to sell me crack at 4 a.m. while I walk home inebriated (which I politely declined, by the way: Get a job, asshole!), I'm bound to find a producer looking for a distributor who could target the market of people with homes and jobs.

Now you might be thinking that I'm missing a couple major points in my feasibility case study—marketing and customers—but that's where rohitsrealm.com comes into the picture. After all, it is Rohit's Realm dot com, which implicitly suggests a commercial endeavor. Once I have dealt with the organized crime issue and the lack of money issue and the lack of product source issue, well I'll be setting up an elaborate online business. If I set up my e-business, the customers will come. And no, the voice at Fenway field isn't saying that to me in my dreams. I mean, who doesn't appreciate the ability to purchase goods at 4 a.m. while sitting in your underwear and reading news? As it turns out, I have a semester long project for E190 where I have to come up with and pitch a new business endeavor, and what is better than doing my project on something I plan to do anyway? Now, don't hate. You'll be sorry when I get rich with my IPO. For those who are interested, I have set up a new alias to direct questions to: smack@rohitsrealm.com. Venture capital is welcomed.