November 07, 2004

Dysfunctional Living

Probably one of the most prevalent and pervasive themes of my life in the last three years is my complete and utter inability to function in any normal capacity in the so called real world. Sitting in this pigsty of half unpacked boxes, dirty laundry, and garbage, surrounded by stacks of pizza boxes, random computer parts, whirring electronic equipment, and a stolen Unit 3 cart that continues to function as a makeshift table / ironing board / repository of garbage, I realize that something is very wrong with my life. I guess any of the unfortunate folks who have had the displeasure of seeing my place could have told you that, but I finally admit it. I need help - in a major way.

Before I admit total defeat in the game of apartment life, however, let me throw out a series of excuses to justify my current state of affairs. I'd like to think there is a reason beyond simple laziness that I can't take care of myself. Here's a list of chores I identified as being crucial in functioning in an apartment, in no particular order, and the accompanying reason why I choose not to do them:

• Cooking. Cooking is a total foreign concept for me. Food preparation is confusing at best and a total waste of time at worst. There is really no chance that anything I make will ever be satisfying or even half-way edible and more likely I'll just waste two hours mixing shit together following questionable directions, burn myself, and possibly start a fire. Plus, there's all the bullshit overhead of buying the ingredients, making it, eating it, and then cleaning up the mess. Why not just cut out everything except the part required to survive: eating the food. I call it temporal efficiency.
• Washing Dishes. While I am able to wash dishes with a certain degree of skill, it's terrible work. It makes your hands rough and I always end up getting my shirt and /or pants wet. Plus it's a huge waste of time that could be spent more wisely sleeping.
• Cleaning. I suppose if I were to clean my kitchen and bathroom more often then when it was too disgusting to even look at, it might be an easier chore, but realistically that doesn't ever happen. It's like a never-ending cycle - I won't clean it until it's unbearable and because of that it makes the task that much more arduous, which makes me less likely to do it again any time soon.
• Laundry. Now, this task is actually somewhat independent of apartment living, because you have to do it no matter where you live. That doesn't make it suck any less though. The distance to the laundry facility plays a crucial role in how often it gets done, in my experience. That, and the amount of underwear you own. Although, the first criterion is still more important, since you can always buy more underwear as the need arises or even repeat, if you're comfortable with that (although I'm not).
• Ironing. Depends on how complicated the clothes are. I'm pretty good at ironing t-shirts, but I seriously do not know how to iron collared shirts. Everytime I iron one part, it folds up the other side and ruins the ironing on that part. What the hell! I just end up dry cleaning all my dress shirts. Outsource the solution!
• Taking out the trash. This seems like a real easy one, but unfortunately for me, it's not. I have weeks worth of trash piled up in my kitchen because taking it down four stories to the dumpster is a huge pain. I wish there was a trash chute like in the dorms. Again, distance in this situation is crucial. I just don't have time to waste on trivial things like this!

Those are the only chores I can think of; I'm sure there are a lot more important chores that all you pros at apartment living could tell me about, but these are the only ones I'm know about. I've known my hopeless condition since sophomore year, but I think it's compounded even more now that I don't live with roommates. There's simply no incentive to ever do any household task. Every passing day is taking me one step closer to my own demise.

Some people have told me I better get married before I end up killing myself (including my parents), but really, is there any difference between the two? I mean, fending for one's self is pretty bad, but being married has a whole other set of bullshit associated with it. Which is worse, I honestly couldn't tell you. Talk about being stuck between a rock and a hard place!