November 12, 2007

Norman Hsu, Real American Hero

For those readers (sadly!) not encumbered by the addiction I unabashedly described 18 months ago as news junkie-dom, Norman Hsu might not yet be a household name, and his truly bizarre rise and fall in the world of fashion and politics not yet the subject of parlor conversation.¹ More's the pity; he is quickly becoming my hero and role model.

What? That colossal fraud? That pariah of the Democrat(ic) party? How could you support him? most law-abiding readers are probably gasping (to themselves). Simple. Messr. Hsu embodies the American dream as I see it: Rags to (illegal) riches, followed by a tragic fall from grace, an elusive character going by the moniker Shrimp Boy, thorough discreditation in the eyes of the public, a misguided—and ultimately futile—ploy to escape from the law (via an Amtrak train), a failed suicide attempt, and finally, incarceration. Greek tragedy meets Horatio fucking Alger. If only I could be so lucky. A better question is: Why are we not taking to the streets in support of this true American hero?

As regular readers will note, this site has long advocated leading a life of crime, focusing prominently on drug dealing, quixotic vigilantism, and grand larceny. Regrettably, in a nod to the extent of my failures at life, I have been unable to follow through on any of these lofty career pursuits; Messr. Hsu's example remains my last hope at lawlessness.

I may not have ever possessed the street cred. to engage in the narcotics trade, nor have the skill for stealing anything from anyone, nor the wherewithal for vigilantism, but by golly, I have both the requisite skills and training to engage in a massive Ponzi scheme. White collar crime! Why did not I think of this before?!

As today's Wall Street Journal describes in a Page One story, Messr. Hsu is quite well-educated, holding a degree in Computer Science from none other than my alma mater, UC Berkeley, and a M.B.A. from Wharton. I, of course, also hold a degree in EECS, and am currently pursuing a J.D. at The University of Chicago. Coincidence? I think not! I'm well on my way!

As I see it, all I have to do now is to (1) graduate from law school; (2) start a business; (3) fail, getting indicted in the process (which is virtually guaranteed); (4) evade the law for almost 20 years, all the while conning more famous, savvy investors to give me millions of dollars so I can then turn around and donate to my own personal cause célèbre; and (5) accumulate $7,000 in cash, a stash of Tiffany's jewelry, and sleeping pills (to use on the botched Amtrak escape). Now if that ain't a life plan, I don't know what is. Free Norman—and Scooter! Oh wait, G-dub already took care of that last one. Hopefully Norman is next.

¹ Of course, this conversation would be had while sipping tea and eating crumpets.