October 14, 2008

Injun Summer (or Why Chicago Ain't So Bad)

As those who have followed my rough and tumble pursuit of nothingness (online and off) over the past year know all too well, I have had a tendency to shit on Chicago with more frequency than newborn babies soil their diapers.¹ Indubitably, some of my criticisms are valid (insofar as they are decipherable from the incomprehensible jumble of impenetrable words incompetently composed) and especially so when it comes to loathsome Hyde Park, a place that only induces more irrational and amorphous rage with each passing day. Yet, I would be remiss to suggest that I have only hate for Chicago. Driving home last night from said loathsome venue (Hyde Park), I could not help but be impressed by the serene nighttime views of the formidable skyline and Lake Michigan as I jetted up Lake Shore Drive. Perhaps I had been to quick to judge, I thought to myself begrudgingly. Has my time in Chicago actually been that odious?

The answer is easy (as it must be, considering I have yet to end it all): No. In fact, I have quite enjoyed being back in school, and outside of the usual misgivings about my slovenly state supported solely by soon-to-be crippling debt, have no regrets about leaving the corporate world behind.

Chicago (the city) is more of a mixed bag. Last year was marked by long-lasting and lingering feelings of knowing something was not quite right, finally culminating in the epiphany that I absolutely hated Hyde Park. Certainly, that has not changed since I returned this fall. The sentiment has not, however, carried forth in the way I anticipated it might upon my return from New York, N.Y., where I was this summer. Having moved up north, much of my (admittedly irrational) anger has dissipated, even allowing me at times to recognize some positive attributes of the city. Below, I note a few that I have come to appreciate, in no particular order:

• The Skyline: While Manhattan certainly has an awesome (in the awe-striking, not TMNT sense), you have to be in Crooklyn (or somewhere equally ghastly) to see it. Similarly, in San Francisco, the best views of the skyline come while riding in on the Bay Bridge from Oakland. In stark contrast, in Chicago, I get to admire the skyline basically each night I go home. It is completely visible from within the city and no less formidable than New York.
• The Food: Here I do not mean fine dining, though I suppose Chicago probably has plenty of that too. I would not know. What I am talking about is vastly more important for a mid-twenties dysfunctional (junk food) addict: deep dish pizza, Chicago-style hot dogs, and Italian beef. Amazing!
• The Seasons: Coming from California, and especially the OC, the notion that the rest of the woeful world may have to deal with changing seasons is laughable. You mean to say it is not 75° F and sunny all year round? Who would live in such a place? Well, as it turns out, I do now, and it ain't so bad. I actually love autumn, and so seeing the leaves change color (or whatever) can be a rather pleasant experience. The last few days have been absolutely beautiful,² and while I know it will not last, I choose to ignore the cold, dark, lonely, and bitter times that loom ahead (I refer to my life in general here, not winter in particular).

Of course, other (more normal) people might list of some other things that they appreciate about the city. While I cannot see these as being positives—I am either neutral or they are negatives in my book—I can see why others might:

• Sports: the city of Chicago, more so than any place I have ever lived, is obsessed with sports, and especially their woebegone local teams that constantly disappoint. I could not care less, and since Wrigleyville tends to fill up with douchebags of the first order whenever some local squad (bound to lose) is playing, this might be a slight negative for me. For sports fans, however, this is probably a great plus.
• Architecture: Apparently Chicago has some of the best architecture in the country. Maybe that floats your boat; it does not mine. Sure the buildings are pretty to look at, but I have many other things to think about than who built what building when, and thus, this does not play into my valuation. For others, though, it might be relevant.
• Midwestern Attitude: When I moved out to Chicago last year, everyone told me that folks out in Chicago are much nicer than other parts of the country. In my experience, this has proved to be true. Indeed, the day I first moved into my new building, several people randomly started talking to me in the elevator. I know what you are thinking: OMG, how nice. LoLz!!!!³ But wait! While this might be a positive thing for those of you who, all-in-all, do not mind humanity, for us misanthropes this is decidedly awful. Stop talking to me, assholes. We are not friends. And I mean this even if you are an attractive woman. I clearly do not stand a chance. Do not get my hopes up.

How can we sum all this up? Chicago? You're all right. Hyde Park? I still hate you. Until next time, dear readers. This may be my last positive post of the year, so enjoy it while it lasts.

^ ¹ Just to be clear, I have absolutely no idea how often newborn babies shit their diapers. I would assume frequently, however, considering that they have little else to do with their miserable little selves, being consummately worthless to society as a whole. (Not unlike me, of course, but at least I do not shit my pants.)
^ ² Of course, here I refer to the Indian summer we are having, and incidentally, a term which I was completely unfamiliar with until coming out to Chicago. It is a rather offensive, if you ask me, and as long as we are going to use it, I think we should use it right. To review: Native Americans, folks who Columbus discovered; Indians, my people (loosely speaking); Injuns, mispronunciation of the wrong term by small town illiterates of years past. Maybe we can use Columbus Day next year to discuss the differences, eh?
^ ³ Then again, maybe you are not an idiot. I do not mean to judge, dear readers. Sorry.