September 26, 2009

Twelve Hours of Hate

For those who have had the extreme misfortune of having made my acquaintance, the subject of my consummate hatred for everything and everyone, myself most of all, should not be news. Nevertheless, even while we may understand that generally, I am a curmudgeon, the extent and obscurity of my hatred had never been studied in detail—that is, until this summer.

On a road trip back from New York to Chicago in August, my friend decided as we were leaving Manhattan to note whenever I said I hate something. Over the next twelve hours and a number of topics of conversation, he managed to create a list of thirty-one items—a window into my hatred, if you will.

The result was surprising, even to me. Damn, I'm a hater! For those who are interested, I have reproduced the list below in its entirety (the original will be framed).

Rohit hates:

1. Poor people.
2. Dumb people.
3. Women who like losers.
4. Chicago (city of).
5. Los Angeles.
6. People who are dirty because they are trying to be cool.
7. Hipsters.
8. Failed human beings.
9. Democrats who advocate for the continued existence of GSEs.
10. Senators Grassley, Schumer, and Burris.
11. Representatives Frank, Boehner, Waxman, Pelosi, Cantor, and Rangel.
12. All of Congress.
13. Microsoft software.
14. VDT₀.
15. KB Toys.¹
16. Big 10 Greeks.
17. The vibe of AC.
18. Paying tolls.
19. University of Chicago undergrads. All of them.
20. FOBs.
21. Judgment-proof drivers.
22. Federalism.
23. Douchey vanity plates.
24. Stanford.
25. Family law scholars.
26. Ohio.
27. Indiana.
28. Midwesterners.
29. Corn subsidies.
30. Fat people.
31. Life. Human life. His life.

Now, all I need to do is add a Rohit loves section and I have a perfect profile for an online dating site. So here goes.

Rohit loves:

1. Cal football.

I don't know if I like my chances on the Internet. I think I better stick to failing in bars.

^ ¹What? I don't really hate KB Toys, I don't think. But if it is on the list, it must be true.