June 14, 2007

The Cross of Syringes

Hot on the heels of today's announcement in the San Francisco Chronicle that my dearly beloved (or intensely loathed) City of Berkeley is (finally) attempting to do something about the awful menace of transients and cracked-out bums that terrorize its streets, I would like to proudly announce the official release of the San Francisco Platform (Hope for a New Tomorrow) and the candidacy of my roommate, G-Unit (a.k.a. BliNG), for Mayor of San Francisco. For too long, we noble denizens of this great city have chafed under the yoke of soul-crushing inefficiencies and mind-numbing bureaucratic ineptitude. No longer shall we stand by as our enlightened city is overrun by bums, idiots, tourists, hipsters, and junkies! Have faith, ye with jobs and homes, and you shall be rewarded.

After living in San Francisco for more than two years (and having traveled all across the country), I'll be the first to admit that this is one of the greatest places around. And yet, there are still problems here, as there are everywhere. The San Francisco Platform is conceived as a way to rectify the most serious problems that ail our great city, while retaining its distinct character. Though our campaign identified many areas where we could help the city (not the least of which was bringing back good ol' American values—come on, Gavin, did you not read the 10 Commandments, or what?), we sincerely believe the three points that follow are most critical.

Pave the Roads (Assholes)

As I wrote last November, the roads in San Francisco are truly an abomination, especially given the city's exorbitant property values and highest cost of living outside of Manhattan. I mean, seriously: what the hell is going on? Can someone please just pave the goddamn roads? Don't worry. This will be our number one priority if we win the mayorship.

Privatize MUNI

As anyone who has ever had the gross misfortune of being forced to ride the esteemed San Francisco MUNI system might tell you (no one would ever ride it willingly), public transportation in this city fucking blows. Almost every other big metropolitan area imaginable has a better system than San Francisco. New York. Chicago. Washington, D.C. Boston. Hell, Orange County doesn't even have a public transportation system (OCTA hardly counts), but even it is better than MUNI. And let's not even get started on systems outside the States.

You know when your elementary school teacher used to tell you that it's always better to try and fail, than to not try at all? Well, she (or he) was an idiot, because when you've tried (and failed) with the frequency and magnitude that MUNI has, you should not be trying at all. Just give up! So, of course, we cannot support throwing more money at the same hopeless and helpless bureaucrats who have spent the last 100 years making the system worse; we must think outside the box. And think outside the box, we did: with the private equity boom showing no signs of abetting (especially if you are KKR), we thought it would be best to privatize MUNI. The government folks have failed—dramatically. Let the corporate folks give it a shot. I mean, they can hardly make things worse, right?

Take Back the 'Loin

As a October 2006 article in the Wall Street Journal pointed out, the Tenderloin District (or as we lovingly refer to it: the 'Loin) is a mess. And worse, its residents—a nasty amalgamation of poseurs, artists, mentally unstable bums, and cracked-out junkies—like it that way. Well, a big fuck you to them, and you too, if you feel that way. With property values so high in San Francisco, we can hardly afford to let these assholes sit on prime real estate while they shoot up smack on the streets and stink up the United Nations Plaza. The solution? Gentrify. Gentrify. Gentrify. If we can't sweep them out, we will buy them out.

But Rohit, what happens to the people, the intrepid and compassionate reader might ask? Well, that's a good point: we don't want to clear out the 'Loin only to have the riff-raff migrate to a neighboring district. But never fear! As I wrote last spring:

We might not have a St. Helena in the Bay Area, but we do have an Alcatraz. Ladies and gentlemen, prepare your nets; steady your tasers; it's bum-exiling time!

—Mission to the Mission, Rohit's Realm, 28 Apr. 2006

One of our first priorities after taking office will be to raise a citizen's army of committed vigilante's to clear the 'Loin. And of course, we will use the Red & White fleet to transport everyone to Alcatraz, as we would not want to sully the noble Blue & Gold one (Go Bears!). With a little luck, and the help of supporters (like you), we will take back the 'Loin!

Next Steps

That above, in a nutshell, is the San Francisco Platform, and our vision for a better tomorrow. I have full confidence that most of you are probably nodding your heads in agreement right now, and have decided to support G-Unit's candidacy for Mayor this fall. We look forward to representing you, the noble residents of this great city, in the future, and with your support, will work indefatigably to right what is wrong.

And if the haters, the bums, the junkies, the miscreants, the riff-raff dare come out in the open field and defend their woeful ways, we shall fight them to the uttermost, having behind us the wealthy masses of the nation and the world. Having behind us the commercial interests and the bourgeois interests, and all the hard-working yuppie masses, we shall answer their demands for their lifestyle by saying to them, you shall not press down upon the brow of the bourgeois this crown of thorns. You shall not crucify mankind upon a cross of syringes.

—adapted from the late, great William Jennings Bryan's Cross of Gold speech (1896)

So, who's with us? Are we going pave the roads? (Yes!) Are we going to fix MUNI? (Yes!) Are we going to take back the goddamn 'Loin? (Yes!) That's what I thought! ¡Viva la revolución!